Baby Reindeer, the performance of masculinity | Khadija Mbowe

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I saw an article that the first week Baby Reindeer was on Netflix, a UK organization for male victims of SA saw a 80% increase of victims coming to seek help anf support with thier stories. I was glad to hear, but its also heartbreaking that there are still so many men that feel they can't even acknowledge what has happened to them was abuse, let alone feel they can come forward; So much respect for Richard for being so open and vulnerable, its helped so many people already

The scene where his father asks him "would you think of me as less of a man?" And that whole reveal absolutely destroyed me. It was so painful and so beautifully done

this show really hurt me deep! the part of him not being sure if he was a queer or not because of his trauma is something so many people can relate to

Watching his parents hug him after he told them everything and just provide that comfort made me realize how badly I receeded into myself after what happened. How alone I was. How ashamed. Up until the breakdown, I was confused, but all the pieces kind of clicked into place. It gave me a new respect for myself for not being the 'perfect' victim.

“I couldn’t love someone more than I hated myself” was the line that made me go from sobbing to bawling hysterically

honestly, as a survivor, baby reindeer brought me to tears. bc society does give us this idea of a perfect victim -- one that hates sex, goes to the police, seeks help, gets justice, and never makes a mistake. and when the reveal came around, I remember staring with my mouth wide open because I thought to myself: "god, this is what people see when I'm making an absolute fool of myself. this is what they think of me" and I've been in a mood ever since. i had a lot going for me. but I neglected the emotions involved in the SA for a long time. then they all came crashing down on me this school year. every few weeks my body just crashes. I've missed a lot of school, to the point where i\ll have to speak with teachers to see if ill still get to live the life I planned for myself. i neglect my health. i procrastinate. and I do anything but the things I need to do for hours on end, because the mindless work of editing and reediting the same paragraph shuts out the memories. i hate it. i have control, don't I? and yet here I am, ruining everything for myself because I stare at the piles upon piles of late assignments and they stare back. i want to move forward but its like my leg is weighed down by a beartrap I left on for so long it refuses to come loose. i hate it, and I sort of very much hate myself for the sheer amount of things I've f=ed up because my hormones (and consequently my immune system) have basically collapsed and are making it hard to even breathe. i hate it, and I hate that I can change things but can't. how do you explain this nagging pressure in your heart that build throughout the day as you put off your work as anything other than laziness? how do you tell someone you "just can't" and expect them to believe you? sorry for the rant. thank you for being a safe space and I hope that one day, the memories of what happened to you are as distant as what you ate during that preschool visit to the museum lol.

I really appreciated how Baby Reindeer showed, not only a male victim of SA (which we don’t see represented enough), but also a victim that has a freeze response. That truly is the way that I have responded to abuse and SA in the past and I think it’s so important for people to understand that freezing in the midst of a traumatic event DOES NOT invalidate the trauma or how the victim of said trauma responds (or doesn’t respond). And I really appreciate your POV on the subject, as well as on the show. I had a lot of the same feelings watching it as you described having.

Honestly i think media LIKE THIS is how we start to tackle the male identity crisis epidemic. Men need to see other men exress themselves this way. Gadd admitted things in this tv show you couldnt have tortured out of me and thats whats incredible about it. Its fearless, if at times ugly or gross, and manages to still be incredibly moving.

As a SA survivor myself I found this TV show to explore the topic in such an introspective and profound way. I thought the show was incredible, although I couldn’t watch the graphic scenes I had to skip. It’s so true that most of us freeze around our abusers, I had a similar experience when I was younger and wanted to be a recording artist, I continued working with the producer who assaulted me, thinking it was my only chance of getting into the industry. It’s a very nuanced and complicated situation, especially when there’s power imbalances in that way. I think Richard was extremely brave to write produce and act in a show depicting his own trauma and I hope that he can find this experience healing. On the plus side, men who have been assaulted are feeling empowered to report and open up about their abuse, which is amazing so he really did something positive with this show, despite how painful it must be relive it.

The scene in which the main character allows his abuser to comfort him is an aspect of SA/DV that is difficult to explain to folks who have never been in that situation. This show gave me courage and opportunity to talk about this really complicated past experience with my partner.

"If this is what people use my body for, then what the fuck is the point" Oof That line hit me to the core

Richard is the definition of a true artist. The courage and vulnerability it took for him to share his story with the world and do it so brilliantly is what makes his work powerful and impactful. It should go down in history as one of the masterpieces of this decade. I hope he knows that his story has moved so many who have endured SA. I heard male survivors in the UK have been coming forward and reporting their experiences since the show started and I hope Richard is proud of himself for turning his pain into a powerful force of healing. I’m so inspired.

Just so you know, YouTube didn't show this in my sub feed, I had to actively search for it!

I think one of the things I love most about this show is Donny's relationship with Terri and how much it humanizes trans women. I think part of the reason why Donny starts dating trans women is because he expects that trans women will be filled with as much shame and self destruction as he is and is shocked when he doesn't find that. Instead Terri is the most confident, lovely and sure of herself person he meets and I think it starts Donny down his path of realising that not only is queerness not inherently a result of trauma but that even if he was queer (regardless of how his trauma influenced that) that there is no need to be ashamed of it. Instead he finds that shame and self destruction in Martha, a straight woman, and that becomes part of why he is so fascinated with her. I really love when something like this gets made primarily by a non queer person who takes a lot of time and effort to make sure that these stories aren't used to hurt queer communities when they very easily could be.

I'm a male csa survivor. And yeah, I was taken advantage of by a step mother. But I guess I blocked it out or something because I don't remember much. I just remember she was always violent and screaming at me when my dad wasn't home. But she was really sweet out in public. And no one believed me when I said she hurt me. I felt scared at the slightest touch for a long time after she was gone and because I had kinda blocked out the memory I didn't really understand why. I didn't go to therapy until I was in my 20's but it did help. I'm in a better place now, but I am very guarded now when it comes to intimacy. It's rough.

I have never seen shame and confusion following assault depicted in television like this. This show really triggered me but in a way in which i was able to move through it. The part with Donnie’s dad also had my absolutely bawling

i was watching this series with my boyfriend till he abruptly paused it after episode 5 and removed it from his watching list. i asked him why did he do that and he said “it was getting ridiculous.” what is so ridiculous about a man’s trauma and pain? it saddens me how men can be so cold towards each other sometimes.

Title: shame, desire & the performance of masculinity Me: these are a few of my faaaavourite thingsss

I was one of those "you are so lucky to have this father" survivor. I come from a family of multi-generational charming and very talented abusers. To this day, I cant date a musician or a performer. They start turning on the charm and I enter a freeze/flight mode. 🙅🏾‍♀️🙅🏾‍♀️🙅🏾‍♀️ Edit: also, I told about my abuse but the answer I got from my mom and other adults and children in my life were so horrific, I have to do EMDR for this trauma as well. The abuse was bad but the lack of support after destroyed me even more.