How Vulnerability Dies in Relationships

Hiding who we are and failing to feel and express our needs destroys our relationship with OURSELVES. And that, in turn, destroys any intimate relationship we might want to have.

I'm silent now because I've gotten tired of giving and expressing my love language only to feel depleted and hear apologies with no change.

I got burned really hard on this one. My (now EX) GF just couldn't understand why I'm bringing up things like not being okay with not meeting for a month when we have all the possibilities. She brushed it off as me getting on her nerves and her having a solid reasons for doing so like planned meetings with friends which in the end didn't even happen. I'm fine with person meeting friends, doing some stuff alone, giving each other a room to breathe, etc. I'm not fine, however, when I'm feeling like a 3rd wheel in their life and they take my possible presence for granted and can freely decide when (and if) they even want to meet at all. It had to end because if I'm being honest and nice about things that matter to me and all I can hear is excuses or brushing it off - it just can't work out.

Please understand that time is something you'll never get back. So please start treating yourself with the love, kindness and patience that you deserve every day.

In my relationship with my mom, she doesn’t have the courage to show up vulnerably with me or even more importantly with herself. Emotionally I’m very sensitive yet stronger than she is. After she destroyed the trust I had in her I chose to stay in relationship but it’s limited to how much contact I can handle. I come first now, not her expectations or guilt trips. If I feel guilty I remind myself that my distance is the natural consequence of her actions. I sure as hell didn’t choose this situation and I can’t fix it alone. Believe me, I wasted years trying. It doesn’t work!

This. Also, the act of standing up for yourself is essential to your own mental health. You can’t control people’s reactions to what is said, but you can control how you respond.

Thankful for early exposure, as I don't have time for abuse anymore.

This is a good point. I also think it's important to know how to have boundaries. Sometimes people are not emotionally available and you need to find yourself a safe place to open up <3

14 year time-line: Year 1: Fun and kindness, willingness to talk about feelings, forgive, try again..... met with dismissive, sarcastic, hurtful statements. Year 2: Feeling unsure, but still trying. Honest, assertive, trying to work on marriage.... met with dismissive, sarcastic, hurtful and belittling statements. Year 3: Busy with babies, not too worried about marriage.... on autopilot. Year 5: Month long break with babies at moms. Remembered how little support and how little babies mean in my family. Went back determined to work on marriage... husband surprised and seemed glad that we were back.... no real change. Still spending all his spare time drinking with friends. Year 6: Bought a house together. 6 months later, husband went to work in another state. Became a married, single parent. Husband visits one weekend per month. Year 7: Discussed effects of separation on kids and marriage. Husband continues to visit one weekend per month, kids have nightmares for a week after he leaves..... and??? Year 8: Sold house, went to state where husband works. He moved 4 hours away, visits every other weekend. Discussed marriage. He does not want to work on it. He says separation is permanent. He will pay bills, I will raise kids, open marriage. Year 9: He bought a house and moved us back to home state as a family, to start over. He is drinking more than ever. I had no say in house, or area. It's his money right? Lasted 3 months and he went back to out of state job. Year 10: He visits one weekend per month, and mostly parties with his friends. He is still dismissive, harsh, hurtful. Arguments are occasionally physical. Year 11: He has a GF, wants a divorce. Wants house, kids, I "should just leave." I insist on getting a degree first. Year 11-13: He works out of state. We are in separate relationships. I get my degree and a job. He lies often about wanting to stay together, but does not want to live together or help raise kids. He does not want to work on marriage, just wants to be accepted for who he is.... an absent, rude, dismissive, abusive drunk. Year 14: He asks for a divorce via text. We get divorced. I keep the kids and the house (including the house payment.) Year 25: Still not sure I want to show vulnerability or openness to any man. Good with adult kids, grandkids, family, friends and a great job!!❤

This video couldn't have found me at a more appropriate time.

This hid hard & true for me. I have been married for 24 yrs& I’m tired of fighting my corner, the love has gone, for sure. Everything you said is me right now. I just didn’t know how to say it so perfectly. I’m tired& burnt out, unhappy, stagnant& sick of being ignored& disregarded & mocked

Quite true. Once you are invalidated/mocked for letting your needs known, you can never be vulnerable again. Also when you understand that the other individual does not value the relationship as much as you do, you slowly detach from it. Willingness to continue the connection/relation is a responsibility of both individuals, afterall. If it doesn't matter for one of the participants, the other one eventually loses interest. It is wise to accept that it must have been an illusion of a connection initially and not an authentic one. Forced connections don't work, better let it rest. Thank you so much for sharing the video!🌷🙏🏻

Jimmy, thank you so much for showing us the other end of avoidance! ❤

Thank you for your videos short and long! Great food for thought. One suggestion, please add an extra 5-10 sec of padding to the end of the clips. I want to hear you to the end and then have time to pause the video to reflect. Currently, I have to stop the video before the end or else YouTube jumps to the next one and breaks my train of thought.

Does not die, it gets destroyed.

Lived like this for years with someone who just wanted to stay for the kids. It killed me inside, but moving on is vary liberating. I'm dipping my toes in the water now in the dating scene, but that's not an honest approach of what I want. 💔

You're just a really cool guy, and a good person. That's all I wanted to say 😊 Thanks for all these videos, they're great, and your energy and personality make your messages easy to take in and hear 😊

For two years I was walking on eggshells because my partner has schizophrenia and every word I say could be perceived in a delusional way. I unlearned to be my vulnerable me around him because he constantly perceives me as a threat he needs to protect himself from. I know he loves me and so do I. But I will never be the same again and will have to actively learn again how to be vulnerable.

I know when in relationships, past trauma can be an issue but it is not your place to heal that for them, it is on them to do that healing. It is possible to heal together but it takes two, to want to be vulnerable to open up to let the healing start. Otherwise you will stay in a cycle with someone emotionally unattached over and over. Those types of relationships are painful. Know your boundaries and when enough is enough. I also know talking, having support, and doing the work when coming out of these types of relationships is upmost important and necessary to heal from. Thanks Jimmy for your awesome guidance for teaching and helping the healing process of making a decision to stay or go in these types of relationships.

In a very vulnerable way, no raised voices, just a few tears actually, and quite ones, not sobbing, I shared how those few years back , when i broke down and threw myself on my nans lap, really sobbing and saying "This is all i ever wanted, this is all i ever wanted", 😭 (hugs and comfort and soothing as she never showed none when she brought me up) and she just sat still like a robot, waited until I got off and then carried on like nothing had happened. I brought this up the other day, in a vunlerable way, and she just said ,"i dont remememer". RIGHT. So something that was deeply vulnerable and hurtful and traumatising for me, you just "dont rememeber". (I didnt say this, just said, okay, as theres no point with her, ive tried endleslsy before and just get dismissed) So no wonder I dont feel seen or loved.