Why It Sucked to Be a Pirate

Reasons not to be a pirate: 1: Death.

Can't spell disease without sea

I am an “I’m not paying for Adobe softwares” pirate.

Being fair to old Jack Sparrow, all his flips and rope swings are exclusively to run away from the pirates who are hacking the side characters to bits and pieces.

"But here's a few honorable mentions" eyes immediately drop to D i c k R o t

Schrodinger's Hardtack: if you eat it in the dark, the hardtack is simultaneously infested and not infested with weevils.

fun fact: pirates didnt just drink budweiser by the gallon because they loved getting drunk but because the way beer was fermented at the time the consistency was closer to a very watery bread dough that had some alcohol in it so it was actually very filling as well as stimulating which is why depictions of beer at the time was very foamy. they really drank it cus it was just sterile and almost food, getting drunk was just a plus

My favorite pirate was Black Bart Roberts. He was literally captured by pirates ☠, was forced to join the crew because he was a navigator, then when the captain died he was voted in as captain. Then he said, oh fck it, a short and merry life we will have. Then went on to have a suicidal charge across the sea, and is BY FAR the most successful pirate in the Atlantic. He captured over 400 vessels, to put that into comparison, black beard captured 30. And he died straddling a cannon while the rest of his crew were drunk and afraid. Man was a fckn MAD LAD!

Noticed that "sucked" is past tense and being a pirate today is actually amazing don't listen to him

I thought pirates ate chicken, fish and apples. Cus that’s always what pirate Lego sets included.

Fun fact: Navy Soldiers actually got scurvy significantly more often then Pirates because the rum drinks they made often contained limes or other citrus

He's not entirely right about the salt pork or beef. They would almost always soak or boil the meat to extract most of the salt out of it and soften it up a bit before cooking with it. Same with the hardtack, they rarely ate it straight as rock-hard bread, they'd typically cook it into a stew or at least dip it in water or grog.

sir that's my emotional support weevil

Alcoholism was a method of survival, because liquor was always safe to drink

After a certain point, many pirates had a TON of formal training, because they were largely comprised of deserters from various professional navies.

Bros just lying so he can become king of the pirates

Being a pirate, is basically being a homeless but in the sea

Don't forget that people still think pirates don't exist anymore. My friend was convinced pirates were a thing of the 1700s

In pirate combat the cannon balls would hit the ship mostly and create a huge wave of splinters. Being hit by the splinters would cause many of the pirates to lose body parts or they would even die. This is what formed the stereotypical image of eyepatches, hooks and peg legs for pirates.

Wealth, fame, power. The world had it all won by one man: the Pirate King, Gold Roger. At his death, the words he spoke drove countless men out to sea.