My Experience With Divorce

I remember speaking once to a woman who had been terribly abused by her father - sexually, physically, verbally, financially, all of it. She told me how she grew bitter over the years well into adulthood, wondering what she had done to deserve it. As she got older, she began trying to make a better go of it. She got the point where she had forgiven and simply wanted to know why it had happened to her, what she was supposed to learn from it. And the inspiration she received was pretty amazing. She told me that the Lord had not needed her to learn anything, simply that he needed someone to be the last one in a long line of abusers who would break the cycle, and he knew that's what she would do and he trusted her to not carry on the abuse as so many before her had. she said it was a sacred trust and the Lord needed a choice spirit to stop the cycle. She said that inspiration changed everything, turned her hatred into compassion and that she felt honored to have been chosen for such a painful but important task. This video reminds me of that. I have to wonder if the Lord sent her to her former husband for a similar reason. Sure sounds like she was exactly what he needed, even though she got very little in return for her efforts and sacrifices. Not many women would do what she did, and had she left him first, who knows what he would have done to himself. She may have saved his life.

My Mom also went through a bad divorce, though in her case, it was because of physical and emotional abuse. I still remember hiding in the closet as a child when he'd start hitting her (I'm 36 now). Mom had told me to hide so there wouldn't be any chance of my getting hurt, too. (Sometimes he threw things, like hot cassaroles in glass dishes, and Mom didn't want her only daughter to get caught in the violence.) Back then, she often said she felt like she deserved the abuse because she "picked him", but she later came to realize (after the divorce) that no one EVER deserves to be abused. My Dad could be a lot of fun and had a great sence of humor, but he had terrible mood swings and insisted he didn't need any help (though she tried repeatedly for over 5 years to get him to go to marraige counseling, even when he placed ridiculous requirements she had to bend over backwards to fulfill). He truly felt that the problem was with everyone else being "out to get him". Honestly, I felt sorry for them both (though they have both passed on). My Mom never wanted to go through divore, but it got to the point that she had to do it to protect herself and her daughter (me). My Dad, on the other hand, needed help and simply couldn't face that. In the end, it cost him everything he loved, and he later talked about his marriage to my Mom as the best years of his life. For Mom and I, though, it was considerably less pleasant, and he never could see that. I remember how wonderful it felt to get away from the violence, even though we were homeless and living with friends. (I literally lived in a small room under the stairs at one point, though this was about a decade before Harry Potter was published.) We had $5 for Christmas that first year on our own (I was 10 at the time), but we didn't care because we had each other and I didn't have to listen to Mom crying out in pain as he hit her and slammed her into the walls and threw things and even, once, shoved her onto the hood of a hot car, burning her arms. Things were tough, but we got by, and we felt such relief, like opening a window after years in the stiffling darkness. TL;DR - Sometimes divorce IS neccessary, not because you've failed, but because marriage requires the full commitment of TWO souls, each with the freedom to choose aright or amiss. Sometimes, these problems can be solved with determinations, love, and work. Sometimes, they involve factors outside one party's control, like mental illness or poor choices, and, if the other is completely unwilling to repent (which means to change and never do that thing again, NOT to merely feel sorry for doing wrong), divorce may be the only way. Marriage is not a sacrifice of one person to become nothing more that the punching bag of another, either physically or emotionally. This doesn't just damage the victimized spounce (which isn't always the wife, by the way), it also damages the kids (I speak from experience). That was NEVER God's intent for marriage, and we do not honor marriage by perpetuating such a dark and terrible situation, in my lowly opinion.

Meggan, you're such an example to so many. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so grateful to have received the privilege of rubbing shoulders with you and being trained as a mediator at your feet. I had no clue how similar our stories are. I was married for 12+ years (though separated for 6 of those years, but still living in the same house). My husband had a lot of mental and physical health challenges, slept most of the day, and hadn't worked for years. I worked several jobs and slowly put myself through school while being the sole breadwinner and caretaker of the 5 children at home. We'd been to counseling several times over the years without success. Many asked why I continued to stay, but I didn't feel I could abandon someone struggling with mental illness (it felt like kicking someone while they're down). Plus, he was a dear friend and I cared about his happiness and future. Once or twice a year, he'd get angry and threaten to divorce. But I'd drag him to counseling again, trying to save what was left of our marriage. Then one day out of the blue, he calmly announced that he wanted a divorce. We sat together and peacefully discussed each issue as I typed the agreement. I have to admit I was almost relieved, though I still cried when I received the signed decree. (It wasn't until later when he was actually on his own and had to pay rent somewhere, that he told me he didn't realize how lucky he had it and that he should have tried harder.) I am happily remarried now, to a hard-working man who has a passel of his own kids and is an active partner in marriage and parenting. Though my x-husband is still one of my dearest friends and I pray for him often, it was liberating to be able to move on and find the love, stability, and support (emotionally, physically, and temporally) that a healthy marriage provides.

Thanks for posting this video, It made me feel better. I still feel guilty that we had to go though a divorce. As a man, sometimes its lost that we receive spousal abuse as well, that started the day after we were married. I too had made that decision to stay no matter what. My former wife had many problems that she could not address. We were married for 25 years and had three fantastic sons, strong in the priesthood, together. We saw many bishops and marriage councilors over those years, and usually those sessions ended when they asked her to make some changes. When I finally asked her to please seek personal counseling, she thew a knife at me, tried to choke me, jumped on my back when I was trying to move away, and beat me with a plate, before calling 911 to report me for domestic violence, again. After we separated, I was called in several times by my new bishop to answer, moral, abuse, and support questions that she had sent coupes letters to him about. After one of those meetings, he gave me a lift by asking me if my temple recommend was current. It was not, he asked me if there was any reason we could not do it right then? We did, and that one act lifted my spirits and gave me the strength to endure. I love that bishop. After going through monthly court hearing for 3 years, our divorce was finalized, and she passed away from cancer, that she had not told anyone about, three months later. Many years later, I look back on the strengths and understanding I gained from that experience, and marvel at what I was taught. I have been married to my second wife ( also divorced ) for almost 15 years now. Those have been marvelous years, not perfect, but marvelous. We have shared our grandchildren together, we have enjoyed church callings together, we have served in the temple together, and we have mourned together with the death of our loved one. There is hope and some times it takes a while for the plan to be realized. Am I sad that we had to go through a divorce? Every day, but it was necessary for reasons that would not be revealed to me until many years later. I still look forward to seeing her on the other side, as the problems and issues that she faced in this life, have been removed and she has grown so much since then. I know the stigma in the church for single divorced males, it's huge. Thank goodness we have the singles program to help us socially and spiritually.

Tears to my eyes as a recent divorcee. Certainly wasn't in my plans, but 2 people have to use their agency to make it work <3

Every divorce is different, but this felt so similar to my own. It wasn't prescription drugs, but genetic mental illness that took us down. That feeling of giving up your goals to support someone else and getting nothing in return, having no one to deeply connect to because you want to protect them, having no partner. In the end, he left me too and I believe it was a gift from God so I would never have to feel guilty about it. And finally being able to move on. I have married again and have children now. I never realized marriage could be so easy. I learned so much from that experience and I don't think I could love my husband now the way I do without it. He is so different from anything I ever imagined, but in the end so perfect for me. Thank you for sharing this.

I had a feeling to share this. In my life, my parents divorced when I was about 9 years old. And honestly that was a big change in my life and my family life. My parents had split custody, I spent a lot of time at my dad’s house because he could take me and my siblings to school. And I got to see mom on the weekend. And later on I started to only live with mom, and saw my dad less and less. But even with all this, my parents didn’t hate each other. In fact, they were still friends, my dad could come over and he would grill, and we had big family celebrations on holidays. I know that my case is not common, but I just wanted to say that the stigma of “divorce bad” is not always the case. Sometimes people just don’t work well with each other, and for some people, that takes being married to find that out. But if my parents stuck together because “divorce bad” my mother would have never met my step dad. And again, I recognize that my case is exceptional, but I now have a father figure in my life on a daily basis, and I can still see my dad, granted less than I would like, but he is still in my life. You just need to Trust in God, our Heavenly Father, because if my mom and dad weren’t listening to the Lord during these times, honestly it would be a lot uglier than how it turned out. He knows how to do everything, so if you keep his commandments and listen to him, he will personally help you in your situation. And I testify of that in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. Hopes this helps somebody, have a great day.

I divorced , I had been merried for 23 years , is so hard. I know that my havenly father and his son Jesus Christ are working with me , I am not alone, they never abandon us. The life is a great gift .

You were one of my favorite teachers at BYU. Thanks for bringing your dad to the class to talk to us and sing for us. I’m sorry about your divorce, but thank you for sharing your thoughts about it.

Don’t give up. Even when someone, who promised God that they wouldn’t give up on you, gives up on you, don’t give up on yourself, and don’t give up on God. He hasn’t given up on you. No matter how devastating, no matter how numbing and detached it all seems. He still is there. Reach out in your pain and your broken heart, and He will reach back. There is still is a path back to happiness. It may not be an easy path, and it probably involves helping other people as much as letting others help you. Don’t give up.

You were my mediator thank you for the comforting message our situation was so similar.

Thank you for this video! I thoroughly enjoy it! Though not divorced, this video speaks to my soul. Though life may not be how we envision it, God has grander aspirations than we do. One day at a time, let us put our trust in God.

I am a guy, there are a lot of her experiences that are similar to my divorce...she is dead on. I wish she would have been my mediator, but guess what...it's all God! I give credit to the LDS Church and The Mormon Channel for addressing this topic. It is usually overlooked and not addressed. It's not taboo; it's divorce, it happens and we need help when it does!

So touching, and tender. Thank you!

I know everything that you have described in this video, except for the drug addiction, and that I'm in the stage of hoping and trying and trying to save my marriage. But I'm so grateful that you shared your story because it gave me hope that no matter what the ending might look like for us, that we will be okay.

Divorce has ruined me personally. I feel rejected and unwanted and that I'll never be really connected to someone. I'll never give anyone the trust that my first wife used against me.

I've never been divorced, but I was once engaged. I can somewhat relate to what this woman said in this video. I've sacrifice a lot for this girl and even moved across the country to be closer to her. When she ended things, I was like why is this happening and this shouldn't be happening. I felt alone in Utah. No family, barely knowing anyone and it was a little dark period for me. But I'm grateful for God's plan for me and knowing that it's part of the plan and in the end, it will be alright.

I truly understand every word this lady speaks. I am so grateful for her sharing her story, and that the church is taking the time and effort to share these stories. Thank you.

To everyone reading these comments: while divorce in most cases is NOT Heavenly Father’s will for his married children, temple or not, His will for us will NEVER cancel (for lack of a better term) another’s AGENCY! It is the one thing Deity cannot do, as we know from many scriptures regarding our pre-mortal life. He would cease to be God if He were to do so! He could send visions & other miracles in an effort to change one’s heart away from something like divorce, but if a spouse wants out He won’t interfere with their choice, however wrong it may be in His sight.

Wow, thanks for sharing!