The Forbidden Gospel Where Jesus Kills People

Idk what’s funnier, the idea of a toddler with the mind of a 30 year old, or an all powerful tween going ‘you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad, IM MY OWN DAD’

Joseph: you can’t do that. Jesus: you’re not my real dad.

“Imagine being Joseph. Your 5 year old…” But it wasn’t even his kid. It’s the child of his wife who magically got pregnant without him. Seeing young Jesus act out with his supernatural powers was probably horrifying. Like, “What even is this evil bastard?”

My favorite missing Bible book is the Book of Judith, where Judith literally saved Israel (after basically calling them wusses to their faces) by seducing the general of the Assyrians and beheading him while he slept, carrying the head home as a trophy. Then a ton of men tried to get with her, but she turned them all down because they werent good enough for her. Badass women scare the fundamentalists.v

This comes across like Thomas was a kid who didn't get much respect and wrote this as a self-insert power fantasy.

"To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer him a merciless death." (Young Jesus)

“Your kid was playing in a stream, doing some telekinesis, being a bit sacrilegious, but it’s all good…” This quip will become one of my fave #GeneticallyModifiedQuotes

adult jesus: makes a big deal out of turning water into wine child jesus: turns clay into living birds like it ain't no thang

"It became so popular, it was even included in the Quran." One of the few cases where someone's fanfic becomes popular enough to be included in the canon of the unofficial sequel.

As the mother of a 3 year old I must say this is the most realistic gospel

God so loved his children that he arranged for there to be multiple versions of His Word so that they could spend centuries killing each other over the differences

I love your insight that the young Jesus acted like the Yahweh of the Hebrew Scriptures - vengeful when angered and helpful when placated. Possibly these stories expand on the brief comment in Luke: "Jesus advanced in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and men." (Luke 2:52). Perhaps the text demonstrates that the young Jesus had to grow from that state into Wisdom, the Jesus of the Gospel. We should always remember that these ancient people were just as sophisticated as we are in their story telling. Thanks for a good vid

The story where Jesus astounds the teachers at age 12 sounds like a Reddit post where everyone stands up and claps for the author

Damn, baby Jesus sounds like he might even be able to fully understand Rick and Morty.

Young Jesus was Marvel's version of Young Sheldon

jesus smites people who insult him yahweh: that’s my boy!

Joseph, in tears: Please, please my dear son... stop killing people Baby Jesus, about to raise a bunch of corpses he made cuz he's in a better mood: : )

It's funny how all the bible stories deemed "non-canonical" are the best ones

I like how even Jesus went through a magical puberty arc like so many YA protagonists have since; and even then, the gospel also makes his actions out to be akin to the fumbling first steps of the Antichrist ironically enough.

Jesus in the school room is such a vibe. I'd have wanted to be his friend and he'd have called me out for vanity and pride. The crush on him would have been so real.