how people-pleasing made me sick & how I am recovering

I put together a list of journal prompts about people-pleasing for you over on my Substack: charlierewilding.substack.com/p/im-not-nice-im-a-p… ❤

An excellent video Charlie. Everything you described here is 100% accurate with me. I've been a people pleaser all my life - I understand this began in my childhood with a distant, control fixated parent. Nothing was good enough, if only I was "nicer" or "kinder" then I would be loved. This has extended throughout my life with avoidance of conflict, going that extra mile for others & losing my sense of self. I even term myself a doormat & now in my 60's I have no idea of who I am & my autism compounds this - a double whammy so to speak. It would be wonderful if you could eventually consider starting a "self help" course of what you've found helped you the most on the journey to find yourself. Thank you for speaking out about what I would imagine many of us live through each day 🌻

I believe my 'people pleasing' mainly stems from growing up in a lot of tension and fights. I avoid conflict at all cost because it is so very painful to me. I'm also naturally kind though. I really enjoy doing things for others and truly don't expect anything in return. Might sound like a weird thing to say about myself, but I'm just doing some self exploration here 😅 Growing up undiagnosed audhd didn't really help either. Did a number on my self esteem and made me feel I needed to earn everyone's approval and affection. Still a big challenge for me tbh. I'm always so hyperfocused on other people's moods and feelings. I catch my self adjusting everything I say and do just to keep the peace / lighten their mood.

Love these videos, so helpful! ❤

Interesting topic. I can certainly see how your nice personality fits into the anxious attachment style because your autistic traits were probably not fulfilling your social needs with others. With these attachment styles I think we must first explore our relationship with our parents at a young age because they have a significant influence. I was also far from developing a secure attachment. I think it happens when parents do not understand their autistic children. I seem to have developed a avoidant attachment style in childhood evident in my inability to express myself to others and remaining single all my life. With your teacher saying you are diplomatic because of your kind inspiring nature seems to make you an ‘Advocate’ type of INFJ personality type. It matches with your magical personality for considering the best solutions that inspired your school friends. The qualities I share with you in this style include sensitivity and calmness reflected in our demeanor and love for peaceful environments like nature, imaginative creativity and curiosity and tendency to be self-conscious. I also think I fit into a 'Mediator' type of diplomat because I tend to express my feelings intently through my creativity and generosity towards others more than they deserve. So, people take advantage of my sensitive nature. I am also recovering from depression. I hope your journey in your recovering from people pleasing is going well too. I agree it is important to take care of our selves and our needs. You have a good strategy.

Love your content Charlie! Fellow Autistic gal here, diagnosed last year aged 34. Keep doing what you're doing, I just KNOW that your channel is going to grow and grow. Can't wait to witness it! ❤️ Xx

'No-one needs to be pleased by this story, for it to be worth sharing.' I find myself taking so much wisdom and warmth and self discovery from your videos, Charlie, and this quote is one that'll stick with me from this particular video. Hope you're having a lovely and peaceful and restful weekend, and I hope Alfie's enjoying his spot in the sun ^_^

Beautiful video! I’ve too been thinking about this, I’ve just started reading self compassion by Kristin Neff, that’s how I want to come at this with self compassion and cultivating better boundaries. Not beating myself up for having navigated life this way so far, I was only doing my best. ❤️

This resonates, thank you Charlie ❤️ It was so beautiful to see you planting and watering during this video - a metaphor for what you are doing in your life, planting and watering good things, and resting in their company as they grow. Wishing you joy, XO

Articulated so well

OMG this is a total revelation for me! Whilst I was actually watching your video someone asked me what I wanted and I altered my answer to please them. I'm 53 and need to unlearn these PP skills!!!

special thanks for a calmer video without all the special effects. my senses are grateful.

This is exactly what I have been going through the last few months. You are really good with words and in giving others insight.

This is a beautiful video. As a fellow recovering people pleaser I found it so helpful. Thank you.

Another great video! As always, lots to think about- I loved the list at the end. My husband has helped me with my people-pleasing tendencies- he asks, “Do you want to ____?” It was so weird to realize I wasn’t even thinking about what I wanted- I’d just say yes! I’ve gotten better about it because of his encouragement to value my own feelings; I just need to work to get rid of guilt when I say no to people.
I say “sorry” a ton, but I also say “thank you” a ton when we go out to eat. Anyone else do that?
-Kayla from Substack 😊

Thank you so much for this. Of all your videos, this one has hit me hardest the most - in a good way - bringing on tears and realisations. I wish I could even begin to explain the solace and reassurance your channel has brought me. Thank you 🐢

I can relate to you on so many levels. Also, your voice is so soothing.

Garden is looking super cute

Really powerful video. After watching, it really made me think and reflect on my interactions at work, home and what I think of myself. Brilliant video.

Great video! I feel the same. ❤

This is so so beautiful and helpful, thank you for making me feel seen! <3