Making Good Friends as an Autistic Adult (4 Steps to Leverage Your Special Interests)

Helpful Tip: find somewhere to volunteer. Animal shelter, fire department, habitat for humanity, litter cleaning, place of worship, etc. You can come and go at your own pace & meet some nice people.

Paul: Be in the moment. ADHDers: Not familiar with the concept.

Small talk and being friends for the sake of being friends tends to remove motivation to find and maintain something.

Audhd: the special interest is very broad and changes. New habits are formed with hobbies and friends come along.

Please forgive me as this is not related to the topic at hand. One thing I noticed in almost all of the podcasts on autism, is those of us about 50 maybe even closer to 60 or 70, who have just found out we are autistic and lead our entire lives, trying to be NTZ, not knowing any better, I don’t find much of any help out there for any of us. Most of us have masked so hard, our entire lives, that we find ourselves, not knowing even who, or what we are on the day, we find out about autism or divergent needs. I have found that not only for myself, but for some who are basically seniors, this whole process can be downright mind depending and carry a trauma weight of its own. I would so much like to see some podcasts for seniors who are very recently discovered their autistic cells. I would never suggest it’s worse or better for any of us, but our experience is truly unique, because just at the time we should be winding down and enjoying life, we find out we have never been the person we thought we were, and it can be extremely confusing and troubling. it’s one thing to find out when you’re 20 or 30 or maybe even 40, but when you spent 60 or 70 years, it’s a big deal, a real big deal, and it would be nice to see if there were some of the Podcasters expressed some sincere concern, and trying to help us find our way. Thank you so much for reading.

This was brilliant. Having recently gotten rid of two of the narcissist friends that I had, I needed to fill the gap. There was someone who I knew and really liked. We were work acquaintances but thought it would be a good fit to hang out more. So I mentioned that to her and IT'S HAPPENING! I was very aware not to overwhelm her with attention and chill when needed. It worked! I'm 66 and have had a long life of sometimes getting it wrong. I also realized that no one, including me, likes to hang out with someone who complains all the time. Being positive and supportive is a much better strategy. I think I'm finally catching on. Good luck out there, everyone. xoxo

i also find it fun to be friends with people who have different special interests - even if it's not something i'm into personally, i just love seeing other people's passion, learning new things, and telling them about my special interests too. sometimes we get each other interested in our interests, and sometimes we just have fun exchanging information. feels really organic to me.

I think it should be added that it can sometimes be a good idea to open your age group a bit. I did appreciate friendships with people much older and also much younger than me. There is a lot of ageism in all directions, just be aware that reality doesn’t limit you to your age group.

For me, volunteering is the best strategy to make friends. At high school, I was bullied for 6 years because of the Asperger’s Syndrome. I was expected to fit in to a specific sporting mould. At La Trobe University, I found it a very lonely experience. I currently attend a seniors’ group at the Lalor Library (for people over the age of 55).

i made online friendships via a special interest and i am now closer with them than my real life friends. in my real life friendship group, we bonded over shared suffering (trauma bonding i guess) but when i started looking after myself we drifted a part. my online friends are supportive of my victories and sympathetic to my sorrows, and best of all we get to scream together over our favourite fictional people!! it's the best <3

Common interests provide an opening, but that's it. When you got together to play tennis, just how much did you actually talk about tennis? People want easy conversation. Even autistic people want easy conversation. When you show up at these meetups, even nerdy interests that you think will be neurodiverse, you're going to find that the people have already formed friendships and have each others phone numbers and meet up outside these gatherings, and you will feel even more isolated because they've managed to become close and you are barely a visitor. So you've managed to have their company for this event. Now you have to perform. You have to be interesting to talk to, or you're going to be a wallflower and listen to them talk about politics, their families, get togethers they have elsewhere, their house shopping, their yardwork. And you thought they'd be talking about tennis.

I think that even knowing these points I don't have enough introspection(?) to use them; as for the point of staying in touch with the people who like your genuine self - I don't think I ever undestood when I was liked or when I was made fun of or ignored, meaning - in short - when my society was welcome to the other person. After an interaction I don't know what impression I've left and what their response has been. Most of the time I feel scared that they just act politely and simply tolerate me. I can't tell between politeness and liking. For me only time can tell whether that other person wants to keep in touch.

I already struggle with step 1, figuring out what I actually really like 😅

I remember when I was in Year Ten, I went to bed and read a book while my brother was watching the State of Origin. My mother stopped by my room and said, "You're not interested in the football, are you?" "No," I replied. A few weeks later, she told me that I should watch some of it. If ever I watch it, I only ever do it from a dispassionate viewpoint. I have no interest in it and masking doesn't last for me. I don't recommend watching football just to be able to talk to people. I have noticed, as I got older, and I was the same when I was younger, that I tend to put people into categories and say, "Okay, that's someone I know from that group; that's someone I know from that group; and that's as far as it goes.

I'm so used to being exhausted by socializing. The idea that I can choose something I enjoy doing as the first step is encouraging.

Strangely, I can't say I ever yearned to "make friends," in the plural. There was a time in my life, in youth, where I simply accepted it as a given that I wasn't a person who was popular, who could fit into groups. Later in life, when I understood the social rules better, and also when I was in circles that shared my values more, having "friends" was something that came more naturally. Yet neither before nor after this transition was I ever particularly compelled to find, make, gather friends. What always DID seem to be a running theme in my life, though, was "Do I have A friend?" Is there that one person with whom I have a cherished "soulmate" relationship? Thankfully, I can say that nearly 30 years ago a friend like that appeared, in the most unexpected way, in my life, and he has been that friend all this time and ever more deeply (this is not a romantic-sexual relationship, and he's married, but it is none the less compellingly meaningful for that). I still have many friends, indeed good friends. But what sustains me in a singular way is the knowledge of that one, special friend, even when we have to be far away from each other for extended periods. The bond transcends time and space. Having only just discoverd my autism nearly a year ago, I have come to realize what a saving grace this friendship really was these past nearly 30 years, how it cushioned me from the world's buffeting, with my friend often running interference, instinctively, as if he knew. But he didn't. And yet...did he? And did I? Really? On a level deeper than words?

For number one, giving someone else's interest a fair try isn't a bad idea. Getting a feel for why it is interesting to them can bond you closer, even if it is outside my comfort zone. I often read books friends recommend, even if they are outside my usual picks. I dont always love the books, but I have also found new areas of interest to bond over and can understand a friend better. Generally people appreciate when you check out things they recommend. It also can get people to check out media I recommend that I think they will like.

Definitely agree with stick with the things you like, and time has proven me right time and time again to make friends. But we also need to accept friends move on as we change as adults with priorities.

Wow, this video came just in time for me because I lost my best friend and I am moving to a new city where I don't know anyone, so I am terrified about whether I'll be able to make any friends.

This is pretty much what I do and it does work well. All my life I thought of myself as an introvert but now that I don't have the drain of masking and self-criticism turns out I may be an ambivert. Absolutely key to me to have gone from isolation to being engaged has been social safety. To be around kind and accepting people and to have a validating inner circle. I don't waste time on people who probably aren't going to get me and find those who do. Often they're like me. Through work and support groups I soend time with other autistic people too and I love that.