29 Years Old: I Lost my Brother to Suicide

I am suicidal I was planning on pulling the plug today but needed to see someone else point of view of the family of victims who committed suicide. I never contacted the suicide hotline maybe I should. Maybe things will change horribly for my family and friends I don’t know. After listening to a few of these type of stories I have a change of mind to maybe do it another day, or not at all. I did however create this list of 6 things I wanna do before I pull the plug but I haven’t completed one thing on the list. The whole point of it was to find a reason to live, wanting to be alive but…..kinda tired at this point.

Depression isn't understood by those who don't go through it. It's not sadness. It's overwhelming, constant hopelessness. You have no idea how draining the facade of being ok is. Just so you don't have to hear "how good life can be". Doesn't matter how much you're loved. You don't love living. I love my family, my family loves me. Doesn't begin to touch depression. Sometimes you learn to live with it. Reluctantly. Friends and family talk about how selfish it is to end your own life. They want you to live so they don't have to feel grief. THAT'S selfish. Unless you're depressed, it's just a word you use. You'll never understand.

I'm 24 years old and I've been struggling with relentless suicidal thoughts for the past few months and I really really don't want to leave my sister behind but I also just don't want to live most days, it's very hard. The irony is every suicide death I grieve, I see value in other people but depression makes you not see your own value, it makes you think in a distorted way. "No one loves me, no one will ever love me" this is a lie I just tell myself every single day. "I have no friends because I'm not a likeable person" these viscous lies don't ever stop, it just becomes unbearable. I try to stay positive and remember it's all false and my brain is not functioning properly, I don't want to believe my lies anymore. Thank you for sharing your story Emily, I won't give up.

Some of us with depression have masterfully perfected our fake smile skills and fake happiness but deep down their is a void that we just don’t let out or let anyone find out, it’s just the bully in our heads and someone just can’t take it no more.

I just lost my twin brother to suicide two weeks ago and I'm broken in all ways. He was also a father. Hearing your courageous story helps me feel less alone in this immeasurable pain. 💔😭 Thank you and my deepest condolences.

I am so sorry. Its been 10 years since my brother's suicide. It still catches my breath away. Horrible complicated grief. 😢

I'm 60 and just tired of living. Days just seems pointless. I'm a critical care R.N. that is exhausted. I have no friends and my daughters live far away with busy lives of their own. The only reason I don't take my life is knowing the pain that it would cause... Thanks for the video.

I lost my brother by suicide on July 26th 2020. He also shot himself. I understand your pain. It is very real and very deep. My brother, Dustin suffered from mental illness and he fought so hard for so long to stay on this earth for his family. He knew it would hurt us all so much so he stayed and suffered for years. Until that one day he just could not endure any longer. I mean no disrespect to soldiers, Dustin was not military but I call him my fallen soldier because he fought for his life everyday. Everyday he woke up and it was a battle to make it to the next day. Almost three years later I still cry for him. I miss him so much. Some days I can talk about him and be totally fine with no tears. Other days the tears and pain come from this deep place and just erupts and I am on the ground trying to remember how to breath again. Grief alone is a hard time to go through. Grief from suicide is a whole other ballgame. SO many extra feelings go along with this grief. Along with the stigma tied into suicide. To watch the look some peoples faces, to see that flash of judgment. It hurts deep. I hope they never have to understand what it feels like to lose someone you love to their own hand. Thank you for sharing your story with the world. Know your brothers legacy lives on in your heart and in the eyes of his two babies. We are bonded sisters by the loss of our brothers. Love to you and yours.

Thank you for sharing. I'm a mental health therapist, focusing on trauma, and I appreciate your vulnerability and I agree, we need to talk about suicide and mental health in general. Sending love.

7 years later and I STILL feel this pain. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Sending love and hugs from Tennessee ❤️ losing my brother changed my life forever. Thinking about you.

There’s a lot of pain in this world. Let’s all be nicer to each other. Smile at someone each day. Ask people how they are. Do something good for someone you don’t know if you have the chance. Be uplifting. You never know how small actions can have big impacts

If your brother was anything like you, he was a beautiful soul. May He Rest In Peace 🕯

Oh Emily, I am so sorry. It takes a lot of courage to share your story and grief with the world but it is so important to have those tough conversations. I can tell from the way you spoke of him that he was a good man. As time goes on you will start remembering more of the good times with Zach more so than the way things unfolded even though it doesn’t seem like it now. Sometimes people need help dealing with grief and I hope you will seek it out if it becomes too much to bare. Much love to you and Josh.

You have no idea how much hearing your story is helping me today. Thank you so so much for sharing this. Wishing you and Josh all the love and healing in the world.

Thank you so much for this. I lost my big brother 8/14/2022. We were Irish Twins barely 11 months apart. He was 27. We both lived in WA state. He worked for Comcast as a cable tech and was amazing at his job. He played guitar for several bands and just a few days before he took his own life his album released on YouTube and Spotify. He was so funny and was my best friend. He was larger than life. I miss him every second of the day. I’m so sorry for your loss. The pain is incomparable.

You're so special being able to share your story, your brother sounds like a beautiful soul. This story will probably save someones life. My condolences to you and your family. RIP Zack 🩵🙏🏻🩵🇦🇺

Emily, I'm so sorry. I know this is a loss you'll never completely get over. Ive experienced a loss like this too. I still grieve 6 years later. But we just continue on because what else can we do. You are so lucky to have an amazing support in Josh. You are not alone. Take it a day at a time. Some days will be better than others as you know. Thank you for sharing your story.

I’m so sorry for your loss Emily. Praying you receive all the healing, love and support ! Good on you for being so brave and sharing your story with us.

Sometimes it is spiritual...and some simply wanna go home..bc our society is very cold✨🌟

I’m so sorry for your loss, Emily. I’m glad we were able to create a space for you to share your story. I can’t relate to this entirely, but I lost my Dad 5 years ago to heart disease, and for the longest time I always kept returning to the very last memory of how he was in that hospital bed. After sometime the memory of him in the hospital bed started to get replaced of how wonderful of a man my Dad was. Soon, I know that will happen to you, the memories of the kind of person your brother was will overcome the memory that causes your anxiety. It will take time, but as you’ve mentioned just take it step by step at a time. Sending over a big virtual hug!