The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment

I am a Youtube freak especially last 3-4 years. I totally quit watching TV. I've consumed thousands of videos on youtube so far and I can say that Andrew is by far a goldmine to me. My english is not so great but he speaks so clean that even I can get %90 of what he talks. Thanks Mister.

I remember working as nurse in pediatrics seeing many children starving for love, nurturing, and affection. It broke my heart seeing this. I gave as much love, gentleness and attention I could give each one. It was an honor to have worked and met them. Love pediatrics! Definitely a passionate career.

1:15:00 Relationship stability 4 horsemen of the apocalypse for relationship Predicts failure with 94% of accuracy -Criticism (how frequent and how intensely it is) -Defensiveness (falta de empatia) -Stonewalling (falta de empatia) -Contempt (most powerful predictor)(el ácido furico de las relaciones) (the feeling that a person or thing is beneath consideration, worthlessness, or deserving scorn(desdén) ) 1:21:00 Your type of mate Some key takeaways and TLDR: • In all romantic attachments there is an autonomic coordination. Autonomic coordination is the key to love, desire and attachment. • You don’t have to find someone just like you or just opposite to you. Matching of same to same or same to different can both be effective. There is not one sole form of attachment. Attractiveness of women during pre-ovulatory phase of their menstrual cycle • Men find women more attractive when they are in the pre-ovulatory phase of their cycle. • Women in the pre-ovulatory phase find men more attractive. • If a woman is taking oral contraception, it eliminates this effect. Childhood attachment styles They are measured by the Strange situation task: involves a parent bringing their child to a room with a stranger. At some point, the mother leaves and then comes back in. The study measures how the child reacts to the mother leaving and returning. Findings: There are four basic attachment styles displayed by children. 1. Secure: Children who are securely attached are generally happy and trusting. They are attached to their parent or caregiver and enjoy being with them, but are secure enough to explore the world and test the limits of their independence. 2. Avoidant: Children with an avoidant attachment style may be emotionally distant, often preferring to play and interact with objects rather than people. They may be wary of physical contact like hugs and cuddles. A child with an avoidant attachment style often displays early signs of independence, wanting to do things themselves rather than seek help from their parents or other adults. 3. Ambivalent: An ambivalent style in childhood is characterized by high levels of anxiety and insecurity. Children with this attachment style may seem clingy, and more frequently seek the attention of their parent or caregiver, yet may reject that attention when it is offered. They may also be particularly wary of strangers. 4. Disorganized: Children with a disorganized attachment style often seem to struggle with managing their emotions. They may display anger and erratic behavior, but are just as likely to seem depressed, withdrawn, and unresponsive. – How we attach to our primary caregivers influence how we attach to romantic partners. The same neural circuits that underlie between child-parent are the same that are used for romantic relationships. – The childhood attachment style is strongly predictive as the adulthood attachment style in romantic relationships. We are hard-wired for attachment. When a mother and child interact, the brain of the child and mother enter in a coordinate state. – We have a template that we use for relationships that are the same we use when we were babies. These templates can shift over time (the key is the knowledge that they can change).These neural circuits are plastic. If you were an ambivalent child, it doesn’t mean you can’t grow to be a securely attached adult. – Book recommendation. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love – Secure attachment allows a stable autonomic equilibrium. The ability to remain calm, and clear headed. You are able to navigate thru discomfort with some sense of clarity. The secure attachment leads to the most stable long term relationships. Three neural circuits involved in Love, Desire & Attachment. 1. Autonomic nervous system 2. Neural circuits for empathy (see and respond and match to the autonomic tone of the other). 3. Neural circuits associated to positive delusions. 1. Autonomic nervous system The autonomic nervous system controls things like digestion, breathing, how alert or sleepy we are. It’s hard-wired, but thru interaction with our parents, we develop a tendency of calmness or alertness or a combination of these. It’s like a see-saw. We can be very calm, very alert, or in the middle. The interactions between child and caregiver take the child and caregiver from one end of the see-saw to the other. • If the mother is very stressed, the children physiology shows stress as well. And this stress remains for very long. • Sighs tends to make us more calm. • Ice baths or hyper-ventilation increase sympathetic nervous system (more alertness). The autonomic nervous system dictates how we will react to a romantic partner being present or leaving. The attachment style predicts the feelings after a break-up Co-dependence can be misinterpreted, it’s not necessarily bad. Healthy interdependence: happens when a person goes away and we can still regulate our own autonomic nervous system. 2. Neural circuits for Empathy - EMPATHY: autonomic matching. It means that there’s a match of emotional tone. - Sometimes is beneficial to go in the same state as the other, and sometimes not. - One pre-requisite to the propagation of species is the notion of autonomic regulation and matching autonomic nervous systems. The mating behavior is one of autonomic regulation (the process of finding a mate is one of elevated autonomic arousal -dopamine and epinephrine release… which involves the sympathetic nervous system-). The sexual arousal itself it’s driven by the parasympathetic system. The orgasm and ejaculation response is sympathetic driven. After ejaculation, parasympathetic kicks back in and there’s calm and relaxation. - Arch: sympathetic arousal for pursuit. Parasympathetic for sexual arousal. Then sympathetic response for ejaculation and orgasm. Then return to Parasympathetic. Every human is required to go thru this to reproduce. - The neural circuits for this reside in the autonomic nervous system and are coordinated with empathy. - The prefrontal cortex is used to perceive things and make decisions. - The insula is a brain area that allows to pay attention to what happens inside our body and to split some of that attention to the exterior. The mating dance is a coordinated activity of two bodies in which the ANS of one is coordinating with the ANS of the other and the Insula is splitting one’s attention between how we feel ourselves with the thinking and feelings of the other. It’s how we assess if the other is comfortable, aroused, etc. So, it’s the way empathy works. 3. Neural circuits associated to positive delusions. - Self-Delusion: implies cynicism about love and attachment. - The neural circuits that are active with love can actually be active thru different mechanisms, not just love by THAT one person. - Desire love and attachment are three different phases of romantic relationships. - The insula cortex is strongly activated by touch. Touch - Positive delusion is predictive of long term attachment: “only this person can make me feel this way”. 4 horsemen of apocalypse for relationships • Criticism. When you criticize your partner you are basically implying that there is something wrong with them. • Defensiveness. When you attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter complaint you are being defensive. • Stone walling. Happens when the listener withdraws from the conversation. Emotional response is completely cut off. It’s like focusing on own internal state. • Contempt. When you put yourself on a higher ground than your partner. You feel that a person is beneath consideration, worthlessness or deserving scorn… Disregard for something that should be taken into account. It’s the antithesis of empathy and positive delusion. Inversion of the circuits for desire, love and attachments. Book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert Resource: The Gottman Institute Love Lab: A Research-Based Approach to Relationships Selecting mates Sex drive or desire may be a way to forage for a potential love partner. Four groups: 1. Dopamine high. High sensation seeking, they like novel things. People in this group tend to pair up with the same group. 2. Serotonin high. Tend to like and follow rules. They like stability more than spontaneity. People in this group pair up within this same group. 3. Testosterone high (The Director). Tend to be very directive. They tend to know what they want. They are challenging to be around, and they push the other people. They pair up with the estrogen category. 4. Estrogen High (The Follower). Preferences: nurturing. They like being heard, and when someone else makes the hard decisions. Thru a recognition of these categories exist, we can gain better self-awareness and navigate healthier mate seeking, breakups and long-term relationships. In all romantic attachments there is an autonomic coordination.

Well it’s official. Listening to Andrew Huberman TALKING about Love, Desire and Attachment is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me on a Valentine’s Day. 🤣

“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.” You got this bestie

Huberman Lab Podcast: The most reliable source of dopamine for every Monday.

Thanks! Your podcasts have changed my life. Your objective scientific approach your logical approach takes away emotionality the stigma of ways of interacting in the world and provides concrete information on how to manipulate and adjust personal behavior. I so appreciate this as Multiple traumas and loss have modified my autonomic nervous system and I’m working on calming for the rest of my life. Thank you.

Please do one on chronic fatigue syndrome, burnout, exhaustion, mental fog, for those moments when no matter what you do, or your good intentions, your brain just refuses to cooperate. That would be so helpful.

Thank you for saying that the people that we fall in love with are unique and not easily replaced. That people CAN and Will make us feel a certain way despite of ouselves or how much "we love ourselves". That it is good to feel that our life improves in the presence of a special person. I think young people need to hear this from someone they trust and admire. Although One Art by Elizabeth Bishop is my favorite poem. As Renata Suzuki's poem says " You haven't truly lived until you have loved deeply '. Happy Valentine's day everybody! Stay positively delusional! 😄

I love how you always mention “you don’t need to know these names, just know that___” in the same way a teacher would tell his students when preparing for an exam. I feel like a genuine student of yours and this is my favorite classroom! 💛

The passion and enthusiasm alone make Andrew’s presentations a beautiful experience. ❤️🙏🏼

I am proud to have been a nurturing mother to my only child since I did not have an emotionally present mother and father. It took me 37 years to become a mom but I worked thru a lot of issues and wanted to have a child. I hope my son will have stable relationships in his adulthood.

The best podcast in history

Science helps people understand nature, but love still remains the mystery of life. Great podcast!

I remember the attachment styles by Secure, clingy, distant and eccentric. I had severely mentally ill parents, both being in psychiatric hospital. I have been some of all these in different relationships. My kids find me distant, my friends find me eccentric and I have been clingy or distant in relationships. I do my best and choose love, so that helps alot.

Thank you for this episode and the science behind the complexity of desire, love and attachment. Being fresh out of a heartbreaking relationship...I find great comfort in the science. Thanks again.

The frequency of which the dots connect and I go “Aha!” while listening to this podcast is almost unbelievable.

This podcast is simply the best. Not only does it inform it explains the why. Love it!

Andy might want to think about taking this one down given what’s recently come to light

I always suffered because of my unsecured attachment type and it is so good to know that it can be changed! I will try to work on my brain. Thank you so much for this valuable episode! 🙏🥰