I Need to Get This Off My Chest 🤕 Chat & Life Update

I want to clarify that this move to Japan isnt a sudden decision I made out of the blue. It has been something I've thoughtfully fasted and prayed about over the last year. I was actually resistant to obey the Lord when he first placed this on my heart, even though it had always been my dream growing up. Dreams change and it was something I honestly had given up on because I wanted a husband and kids. Once I decided to apply to school though everything easily fell into place and although i continue to pray for Gods will, I have no doubt this is part of his grand plan for my life. Japan has a Christian population of less than 1% and I dont think it's a coincidence at all that that has always been where my heart is❤

Agnostic here but listened to this whole thing. I'm sorry you've endured such suffering, and there is nothing wrong with having the feelings you're having. You matter and your feelings matter. I hope Japan goes wonderfully for you, and wish you all the best. You belong wherever your heart feels it does.

You are a very smart, strong, girl/women. May God bless you for your integrity about the truth.

I hope that your time in Japan suits you well! You definitely deserve better than what you have been getting. I think it is shameful that parents would ever do to their children what they have done to you. You are right, I will never understand what you have been through as I grew up in a pretty neutral environment. Outside of my home, as a kid which has gone well into adulthood, I was the outcast. With me people started to tell me I was ugly when I was about 6. I heard it so much, I believe it to this day. Not trying to compare notes with you, just letting you know, I do understand the depressed and angry feelings of feeling rejected, and its no fun.

No sure my first comment posted so here it goes again. Growing pains and tears are very hard but so worth it because it is a journey to who we a meant to be. 🙏🏼 for your journey.

I subscribed to you. I love you.

Personally, I feel somewhat of the same way with my family. As someone who's currently dealing with family relationships issues at the moment, I also express anger towards my family, which God knows that's not who I am. In my childhood, whenever I sometimes makes mistakes, my mom and dad usually spanks me rough as a child. Every arguments I've been in with my parents, flashbacks of my trauma comes out. As if there is a part from the trauma. I actually got depressed recently from my family's relationship because of how much hurt I've experience from them. I've been reading my bible daily, and giving every worries and every emotions to the Lord. Know this.... I had to tell myself that my parents stopped caring about me. Deep down they do. However, with every arguments, I don't know if that's true anymore. My mom thinks that my cousin (who is also a believer), says that my cousin is leading me to another religion and blames my cousin. My family is catholic and me and my cousin are the only believers in Jesus out of both my mom and dad's side of the family. Throughout my childhood, I've been emotionally hurt by my own family, and feel like I'm the bad kid or the black sheep of the family, (which in high school I have been). Now my parents are worried about money and they want to save money for the family. Yet what pisses me off too is that we don't have a family trip anymore because they care so much about saving money rather than spending time on a family trip for us to enjoy life. As if they worshipping money rather worshipping the Lord who will take care of it. What's worse is my mom is also putting up the same thing with my nephew. And my brother isn't really there for his son because he has two jobs and he's struggling financially. Furthermore, my dad cheated on my mom multiple times when I was a child and in my teenage years. To the point that I hated my dad for years. I didn't wanted to be around him anymore. I hit my dad before and all he ever did was spank me roughly as if I was still a kid. That hurts me emotionally! It's just the trauma with family and it hurts me to this day. I usually think that's how I got into watching porn in the first place because my dad would have movie nights with what he chooses and had inappropriate sexual activity. (Which I'm currently dealing with at the moment). Also, he sends money to his family in Mexico rather than spending it on a family vacation. I actually believe that I didn't get the validation of being a man from my father. He doesn't talk to me about girls, to be fearless, or how to be a man and I think that my dad doesn't truly love me as his son. That's why Jesus is the only one who truly loves us. Jesus is the only one who knows what I''ve been through. What you're going through. Know that you are my sister in Christ and for that I love you, sister. This morning I read Psalms 23. That is the psalms where I was saved by God because he comforts me in my darkness. In my brokenness, and he knows that I need no one but him. And that God gives his love to our enemies, seated at his table. I went to college to be a photographer. Not only to take pictures, but to get away and travel from the negativity of my family. Overall, we should pray for those who hurt us and know it's hard. God only knows what you've been through. Just keep praying and spend time with God if you need to. God will provide a way for you. I'll be definitely be praying for you. Sorry you're been/going through this issue. We are all here for you. Even though we have scars, wounds, cuts, and bruises from broken families, God can use that as our testimony. There are sometimes where I had to wrestle with God in this. I think that the brokenness from family relationships determines how we became how we are, due to our family system, but I could be wrong. We have to face whatever the situation to connect with God whenever we have no one else in our family. No matter what you're going through, Pray! Go to God because he is a heavenly father who loves you. He's slow to anger and gives us his love with kindness and compassion, even though we don't deserve it. As much as 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 says, we should be always rejoice, pray, and give thanks in every circumstances. Matthew 11: 28-30. NIV "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I AM gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Psalms 34:18 NIV "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Jesus loves you and he will never leave you nor forsake you!!!!! You are a part of this family. A family who loves you. Again, I'll be definitely be praying for you. Hope your move to Japan will be a breakthrough. Love you sister!!! ❤

You are the most empathetic person I have seen on YouTube :). I would fight for you if I could. What you are describing is what countless others feel in regards to trauma. There is nothing abnormal about your feelings. A person's subjegated to long prolonged abuse, especially in childhood, not able to let the hate outwards will internalize it. If this is taken to an extreme it will lead to mental breakdowns and immense suffering. In this primal state the body tries to desperately avoid suffering and the abuser by stopping provides relief and thus is subconsciously seen as an ally. Then the abuser by providing positive and negative reinforcement shapes a new Identity of the person that might be adopted by the victim and a personality split is created. (which did not happen in your case because you have been able to leave an didn't become like your parents). Yet the hate directed inwards together with shame, feelings of worthlessness etc... and the stockholm syndrome like attachment is still present in the subconscious. It's not your fault that you feel that way. Purely the first concisous level it's not possible to fix it, (for example you could tell yourself 300 times that your parents did evil but it will not reach the subconscious) What fuels it, is the fact that you identify with your parents and their family superorganism, this by neccecity makes you care about what they think of you. It's similar to a person caring about their tribe, it's an inbuilt biological survival mechanism just like trauma is. In your case the superoganism hates you, so your subconscious tries to change who you are. This creates a friction between your being that knows it deserves to be loved, and your identity that screams that you need to change aka make your parents love you. The only way to fix it is to change your identity, and to overcome each feeling present in your subconscious.

Usually it is recommended to get rid of objects of former abusers, but in your case I wouldn't throw it away especially in your mental state. Just stash it somewhere you cannot really have access to it. Do not try to contact your parents!

I am so sorry 😢

Just know that you are loved. ok? You are an amazing person. I would love to hang out with you. You pretty thing. God has a plan for you. You are more significant than you will ever know. I love you

I love you

❤

I hate what this religion has done to us .... mental and emotional abuse is a sin in itself 😢

Lord Jesus Christ going to fight for you, you are more than winner in Christ. Your body is weak now, but your soul is purified gold in Christ. It takes some time, but you are going to be good. Romans 8:37 KJV “Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.”