The problem with being too nice at work | Tessa West | TEDxColumbiaUniversity

As an autistic ADHD person I would love to see an interactive study like this with autistic and neurotypical people, plus autistic and other autistic people.

Anxious niceness just sounds like another way of people pleasing

I always build rapport before giving feedback. I start with what’s going well and what we can work on and why. It’s still uncomfortable, it does make it much easier to give feedback.

I actually do ask "Do you want me to be nice or honest?"

00:30 🗣 Social interactions are studied in three aspects: what people say (verbal), non-verbal behaviors, and under-the-skin responses (physiological reactions). 02:48 🤔 Uncomfortable interactions prompt physiological stress responses and non-verbal signs like fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, distancing behavior. 05:32 😬 Anxious niceness involves vague compliments, which, if persistent, evoke negative perceptions from recipients, especially racial minorities. 06:26 🌐 Racial minorities tend to synchronize with anxious nice behaviors of others, experiencing heightened stress responses, impacting their own physiology. 08:47 ⚠ Overly positive feedback in negotiations can harm performance and distort perceptions, leading to inaccurate judgments in high vs. low-status interactions. 09:44 📉 Generic positive feedback damages reputations when not substantiated by real data or specifics, affecting how others perceive the feedback recipient. 10:12 🤝 Foster a culture of clear, consistent feedback by gauging interest in tougher, constructive feedback and framing it along specific dimensions. 11:49 🔄 Feedback dynamics involve both giver and receiver, necessitating a shift from asking 'nice or honest' to framing feedback in specific, constructive dimensions. 13:11 🚫 Negative feedback should be specific, focusing on behavioral changes rather than vague requests, akin to replacing behaviors in personal contexts. 15:17 🌱 Transform feedback culture incrementally, starting with neutral, non-threatening specifics, reducing anxiety in both giving and receiving critical

Nice feedback is not always harming the recipient. If recipients are clear upfront what kind of feedback they wish to receive, e.g. about content of the presentation, delivery, pace, body language etc, the feedback given is focused and geniune.

This reminds me of the quadrant in the book, Radical Candor, called Manipulative Insincerity. It is the least effective management style. In The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*, Mark Manson also goes into the cultural differences of niceness and how Americans have adapted to this way of interacting. Loved learning more about how I can apply constructive criticism in the workplace! Thank you.

This talk assumes everyone is from the US, and also doesn't speak about the huge difference between negative feedback given in private or public. The US is one of the countries that struggles most with negative feedback, which causes everyone else to fail to read between the lines. If you come to me and you say that my talk was great, but I was staring in the wrong place, I will mostly listen to the first thing you said about my talk being great, and think I should keep doing great talks like these.

Absolutely valuable. I started this content creation and I see my team as a team more than friends. That’s why there are less conflicts between our feelings. But more people are complaining ‘why don’t u be more friendly with me’ ‘why don’t u get personal? Do u agree with me with what I have done? Or did I do anything wrong? Help me!😮😮

Thanks a lots for everything ....

Much appreciated

Simply beautiful 😊

This niceness cultuere has some deep negative holes, that we dont want to see. Thanks for talking about the right way of an ideal interaction, where humans can growth. See ya

This talk seems geared towards managers, which is not specified in the title, so it’s not for me. During the talk I kept reflecting on the different work spheres I’ve been in, art, science, banking, and food service. Art has the best development of honest, constructive critiques. I’ve felt that other disciplines could use some practice with art critiques which would ease performance reviews, meetings, and general workplace interactions.

Totally agree. Thanks. Best regards. From Vietnam

I Love all that, another Nice Human Educator...! 🤔🤔😇😇👍👍

Tessa is wanting to treat us humans men and woman as lab mice. How wonderful to see her just chopping at the bit to analyze us.

Interesting subject matter. This talk had me thinking about the fictional Star Trek character Mr Spock. He would be perplexed by this talk. 😆 Jokes aside, it also makes me think about the idea of being antifragile and how one could use that to navigate the endemic "anxious niceness" in a corporate environment. Or you could take it a step further and become self employed because when you work at a company, it is nearly impossible to feel truly connected/open because no matter what, you are vulnerable to the volatility of a company's financial health. And as a result, there will always be a bit of "acting" going on as a matter of self preservation. The expression, "it's nothing personal, it's just business" idea comes to mind as well and I think most people make their jobs personal, it's hard to not do that, i.e. it's hard to be like Mr Spock.

This video is facts👌🏾💯

effective work communication is culture-bound ;)