FACING DEATH: What Doctors Don’t Talk About

I was driving down I-5 one winter, about 100 or so miles north of Bakersfield it was really really foggy. Visibility was about 50 feet and I was driving about 30-40 MPH, afraid to go faster because of the fog and afraid to go slower for fear of some idiot coming up behind me at 75 MPH. I saw headlights come out of the fog and the car passed me and was gone again almost faster than I could say "Crap". A few seconds later and I saw the car again, now up-side-down on the side of the road. A middle age woman was laying in the fast lane. She was already dead, but her husband was still alive laying on the inside shoulder. The car rolled over his body and he was very badly busted up. I stopped to help but there wasn't much I could do. Others were stopping as well. 9-11 was called and I grabbed a sleeping bag to cover the man. He was in a lot of pain and all I could do was hold his hand. He wasn't bleeding much, at least externally but it was clear most of his bones were broken. All I could do was hold his hand and try to comfort him. It took about a half hour for the paramedics to arrive and the guy passed not long after that. It was one of the worst half hours of my life. I have no idea how you guys can do that every day. You deserve respect even if that was ALL you did.

My husband died in a local ER from a PE. After the ER doctor called it, I never saw him again. The nurses, though, stayed hours past their shift to wait for me. To pass their condolences and to hug me. They had spend several hours with me and my husband before he died and seeing them get choked up - while I would never want anyone to feel the pain of grief - I appreciated that they were not robots like I felt the ER doctor had been. It meant something to them that a patient had died. So, when I see medical professionals such as yourself feel it and take it seriously, I appreciate it and I am certain there's another widow like me who feels the same. Thank you.

As a retired lab tech, I remember working night shift, by myself, and cross matching unit after unit, thawing FFP, running to process a blood gas, then a hemogram, then more blood. I was not part of that ICU team, but I still felt the pain of death after working so hard. I think hospitals and doctors forget about the lab sometimes.

I’m a police officer. This is surprisingly, incredibly relatable. People forget we’re first responders. With the heroin epidemic, CPR not being enough and leading to death is a daily thing. As soon as it’s over, it’s time to go to another call. You don’t get a chance to find closure until you get home and your house is quiet and the day comes back to your head. I love my job and being there for families when they lose a loved one and it’s wonderful that you’re reaching out to people to be open with each other. To talk!

A childhood friend of mine knew when her dad, a heart surgeon, lost a patient because he came home from work, he went into his study, and closed the door.

My wife was in the ICU for over 2 months in a medical induced coma. I gave the order to take her off life support, that decision has haunted me every day for over 20 years now. Please do a living will or what ever it's called so you family does not have to make that decision.

I’m a nurse too and there are some deaths that really get you. Not that all deaths are not extremely sad, but sometimes the stress builds up and it can hit you really hard. Some patients and families you do get very close to and I have shed tears many times. I had one elderly man who was NFR and was in heart failure, he grabbed onto me and we hugged and cried and hugged and cried as he died in my arms. It was a privilege to be there with him in those last moments and reassuring to his family that he was nit alone and was being comforted in his last breaths. Some say it is unprofessional to cry, but I am human and I think that the human aspect of medicine is extreamly important. Family appreciate you caring about them and their loved one. I’d rather be fired than withhold a natural human emotion. Don’t get me wrong, you remain professional throughout, that is extremely important. These people need to trust in you and feel you are in control. Bless you, you are one incredible Dr and I love watching your videos. You may not see this as this video is old now, but it is so refreshing to see a Dr who is so down to earth, who does not have that superiority complex, not saying all do, but you come across as an equal to the nurses and less senior Drs under you. You explain things so patiently and willingly share your knowledge. You are my idol x

As a generation we are awful at speak about death. Ive found that being as open as possible is the best strategy - often we don’t have discussions about the end of life plan patients have. I always chat about the wishes of the patient and family if things go any set direction of ways. That way we can maintain what the family and most importantly the patient wanted!

We lost our grandson to DIPG. We were lucky to have world class doctors and staff helping him and us through it. His lead doctor shared this with us and now I pass it along to you. "Grief never ends ... but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith ... It is the price of love. " Best to you and thank you for sharing !

I'm so glad you did share your feelings.

My mom is currently in the ICU, been there since superbowl Sunday, congestive heart failure due to the flu, the icu nurses and doctors have been amazing in both hospitals we've been in. You all are doing amazing work, easing not only our minds but calming my mom down. Just remember how thankful your patients and their families are, you may not hear it often, buts thanks for what you do.

I can truly understand.. as a paediatrician, in India, where the government health setup is inadequate to deal with the huge population.. our call shifts are like this almost every single time... multiplied by 10 almost.. the hospital that i used to work in had only 2 ventilators in the NICU .. for the number of births that happen it is nowhere near adequate.. and at one such call shift i had to juggle four babies who required resuscitation at the same time and i was the only paediatrician on call... it was the worst day ever and I ended up saving only one of them as we had run out of ventilators.. I dont think a first world medical resident can even imagine the horrors of a government hospital in India.. dont get me wrong.. we do have high end private hospitals which have all the infrastructure needed at par with any hospital in the USA or Canada but the majority of the Indian population cannot afford it... having worked in both kinds of setups I only truly wish India gets universal healthcare soon and the government hospitals improve enough to manage the huge population.. by the way love watching your vlogs.. especially loved ur postcall video.. totally relate to it..

I was the mom whose daughter spent months in the peds ICU with her heart problem. The docs and residents like you made it bearable! I know it's hard but keep feeling and loving and being a compassionate physician.

We in the medical profession don’t take care of ourselves nearly enough! I have worked in EMS for 20 years and I’ve held dead baby’s, I’ve seen dismembered bodies, I’ve even had a gun held to my head by a patient. All of this takes an emotional toll on us. Yes we need to pick up the pieces and go on our day, but we also need to make time to decompress and calm down. I am a huge proponent of both formal and informal debriefing. It doesn’t happen nearly enough. We need to normalize it more. Thank you for tackling this very important topic!!!

My little sister attempted her life last March. She took so many pills...they were shocked she even made it to the hospital. Two others attempted as well that night at the hospital, with far less. My sister was the only one to make it. She was intubated three times, got bronchitis, and was in the hospital for about a month. The nurses and doctors were really attached to her, and anytime we bump into one of them they ask how she’s doing. She was there for an entire month, and her medical team was so kind to her and I am so thankful for the amount of empathy shown and that her life was spared. It’s really hard to talk about , and it still feels fresh, but with her permission I like to share the experience for anyone who may need to hear.

ICU nurse here and it's true

Thank you for having chosen this profession. I'm a chronically ill patient, and your sacrifice means the world to us. We might not let it show much, or even have the courage to tell you outloud, but we are so very thankful for skilled and caring doctors like you. You are our heroes. Thank you.

This video touched me deeply. My father was a doctor. He was among the first generation of doctors trained post World War II. A lot of battlefield experiences had trickled down into medical education during his training. That manifested itself in a certain stoic "matter-of-factness" when it came to dying and death. I used to go with him on rounds occasionally. When I was old enough to process mortality I asked him about how he was able to detach himself from it. He said "I don't, I can't. I compartmentalize mentally. In one compartment I am a physician, an analytical, data driven realist. I cannot serve my patients or their families any other way. In the other compartments I grieve and I rage against the unfairness to those taken too soon or those who linger too long." My father enjoyed a long, illustrious career being able to detach himself. But he felt the wins and the losses. All of them. It sounds, from this video, that you're on a similar journey.

I am now retired. I served as a Medical Corpsman from 1970-1974. The rest of my career was as a Respiratory Care Practitioner. I can relate totally. Thank you for this accurate report on medical care practitioner's work experiences.

Thank you for being a dr. For giving your love and sanity for us patients. 💜