WORKING THROUGH INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA & SHAME: TransAndrogynous & AMAB

I used to hate being trans. I desperately wanted to be a cis woman, which is obviously impossible, and caused a lot of internal fear of being myself around others. That has changed very slowly over the years, and even now, 17 years after changing gender, I'm only now starting to truly feel pride at being trans, and if someone offered me a magic pill to turn me into a cis woman I wouldn't take it. I'm now looks for trans friends in my area and trying to open myself up more. I guess it would be fair to call what I thought about myself was transphobic even with feeling internal joy at feeling female.

Thank you for sharing on this! I grew up in a very Christian house and it took until I was 50 to work through my internalized transphobia to start transitioning. I tried when I college-aged but couldn’t deal with my family’s negative reactions. So glad you were! Even though it took this long I am so happy to be on this journey!

I'm going to be starting hrt in late february/early march and I keep pinballing between being excited and really scared. That's something I've been afraid to admit because I'm doing this, I feel, kind of late. I'm twenty eight years old and by the time I hit three months on hrt I'l be twenty nine. I got a very late start because growing up I was instilled with a lot of queerphobia and my early to mid twenties were about escaping and unlearning that. Then this past year I've been coming to accept that I'm nonbinary transfem, a suspicion I'd been starting to pick up on since I was twenty six or twenty seven. So I know intellectually a lot of the fear comes from internalized transphobia and other people's reactions. It's all from external sources, not internal. I know that intellectually. And yet I can't help but go back and forth between imagining myself five years from now in either happiness or misery. One moment I imagine living my trans identity with my wife who's in grad school, me at home writing books and her working as a social worker. The next moment a horrible intrusive thought crashes through my mind and I see myself homeless and desperate, begging for money and working as a street prostitute. And the implication in that vision is that going on hrt somehow caused me to be homeless. I know that image isn't based in anything rational. I know it's based in my internalized ideas about trans women- the idea that trans people are unhirable, undesirable, and doomed to be miserable wretches. (And yes there's some internalized discrimination against sex workers there too, that's a whole other can of worms but for the record I don't think there's anything shameful about sex work.) I say all this to say I'm struggling with a lot of shame right now. Shame for being trans amab, shame in the form of imposter syndrome, shame for feeling shame because maybe that means I'm not valid. And I think I've been avoiding that shame in my day to day. I think this video let me confront it and recognize it's the source of the irrational fear I'm having. And the thing is that fear passes. I feel gender euphoria on the regular when I embrace being non binary, when I wear makeup and more feminine clothes, and when I think of how I'm gonna look with hormones. I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling. But I guess my main point is to say thank you for this. Thank you for this video when I think I really needed it. Thank you for being a trans person I can really identify with and see myself in. There are a lot of lovely trans people on YouTube but if I'm honest my experience isn't the same as theirs; in a lot of ways. It really helps to see and hear someone who talks about the less euphoric side of this and who says "it's ok to feel that, here's a way to address it". Wishing you all the best. ❤

great video! It's so refreshing to hear you be open about the uncertainty along your path. Really helps me understand my own with more compassion. thank you for what you do.

I've been out for six years, but I still have so much shame and fear that holds me back from fully accepting and expressing myself. I've just recently started digging into the childhood roots, and I find that there's an interesting second layer of shame wherein I feel ashamed to be imposing a worldview on myself that is so grossly disconnected from my conscious beliefs. It feels as if I've become tainted by carrying this toxicity inside me.

Still, I really am hopeful that I'll one day be able to proudly celebrate every part of myself! It's really helpful to hear what works for others-- I appreciate your tips💕I'd be curious to know if you ever find yourself restricting your own femininity.

I felt shame for being Trans lesbian. Had one Trans lady I had a on crush tell me she's straight not gay. It made me feel ashamed and like I had to prove myself to the Trans community in my state by trying to be attracted to guys. I'm just not that way. I've always been attracted to femininty. It's something I still fight with.

Hey Brea! Was doing a search for Internalized Transphobia/shame/guilt and your channel poped up. Lucky me!

Thank you for this, it is really helpful with my own experience that I am working through.

Keep up the valuable! ❤😊

Another great video (made it to the end)! Comes at just the right time for me, as my surgery is due in February. Your advice for dealing with the doubts and fears is so helpful.

Made it to the end, as always. Also, thank you so much for not being a drama-tuber. Most trans content on youtube just focuses on ever little thing famous bigots say, and it's so very toxic. Your channel is a becon of light and peace amongst a sea of toxic nonsense.
Thank you again. 💗

Loved the video, and love that you read some of that book. I could see how examining transphobia (?), transmisogyny (?), and general anti-trans sentiment in a book like that would be a potent way to look at one's own internalized transphobia, and watch such thinking prove itself flimsy and self-incriminating (and having nothing to do with so called virtue).

I made it to the end 😁 I appreciate hearing your experiences!

wonderful video. this really struck a chord with me and ill definitely think to what you said about following what feels right for you in this moment and if at some point i feel this isnt right for me then ill face that if it happens and do whats right for me then. you cant fit us into black and white when were all our own unique shade of gray

Thank you for sharing this as someone twice your age and started transitioning last year this video has been so much help ❤️

Quick question for you, did you feel different being trans Woman vs. Trans non-binary? Do you feel like Society accepted one more so than the other? Do you think non-binary people can be gendered correctly

We adapt to avoid rejection... sounds a bit like autistic masking... Im trying to untangle all this.

Lovely earrings

Impressive job reading that triggering biography! You really should read the last third though, it redeems the first 2/3 of the book~~ haha jk. Of all the youtubera ive frequented over the last decade I would say I relate to your vids the most. I find that truth genuinely resides in that gray area and that no one can be 100% black/white/certain. My biggest trigger is actually that if I transition I will only be able to date men. Which I know doesnt make sense and I would try confronting that fact except for the fact that Im married and the fear of my wife finding out prevents that. I havent gotten any surgeries yet but Ive been heavily considering them this last year. Have you looked into a Brazilian butt lift or are you fine with surgeries for now? Thanks again for uploading

(10:55) I just noticed Waluigi in the top left corner lol!

I experienced a lot of shame for being trans mainly when I was young, but I no longer feel those shame and guilt feelings and I am 65 now ! Caitlyn Jenner's age when she transitioned. However, as a practising Christian, I believe in practising a certain bit of self denial from time to time. This is healthy in my mind. Because there's no point in being a total slave to our passions . Not TOTAL self control perhaps but just a little bit. Gay people are our brothers and sisters and it is our duty to love and accept them. I will pray for you that you get your faith back and not be despairing about your salvation. Plenty of transgenders and gay people will get in to Heaven I presume if God is a God of mercy. Jesus bless.

Thank you Bryn! This is a great video.
I recently read a Christian book purporting to examine what the bible has to say about trans people. It was pretty triggering to work through, but I think it was helpful for me in the ways you describe here.
Thanks for sharing!