Our Relationship Almost Ended, Until I Started Doing This

I live alone and have done so for 25 years now. I can't imagine somebody being that accommodating. Of course I only learned last year that I was autistic, so maybe that would make a difference. But Chris is lucky to have you.

One big thing I'm learning and developing more boldly since my autism discovery is, "Just say it." When I've reached some kind of limit I can say, "Sorry, I'm done." I don't owe it to the world to live a completely neurotypical life. It is my genuine prerogative to really be me, and especially when it is a matter of psycho-emotional (even visceral/physical) survival. It's okay now to be a..."singularity" with my own unique life-coordinates. But I must never assume others should know automatically. My responsibility is to "just say it." That's the hugest change since my discovery. I worked at hiding it all before...for 65 years. Now, there's still a job for me to do but it's an incomparably healthier and more liberating one.

Finding a spouse that is pays attention to detail and adjusts to the other’s needs is rare these days. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, but I think I’m autistic. I’m going to get an official diagnosis soon at the age of 40.

It is SO lovely to see this discussion framed from this point of view- what can the allistic person do to make the autistic partner feel better in the relationship, instead of the other way around. This was so lovely and compassionate and I hope I can experience this one day.

My husband has ADHD, and I am AuDHD. My husband can scare me too, I can get so hyperfocused in a task or something that I do not notice him coming into the room. I have recently moved my office to a more open space and asked him to wave to get my attention instead of walking up behind me. As for getting through him and his hyperfocus on work or playing a computer game, i will put my hand on his shoulder to make sure I have his full attention. I am trying to get him to realize that when I am thinking or doing something that is hard for me switch focus, and try to get back to what I was doing after the interruption. However, I have to realize he has ADHD and sometimes cannot contain his wanting to speak about something that is on his mind right then and there.

One thing I have started doing with my son whenever I hear an intonation that sounds sarcastic or bitter or angry is to just tell him what I heard and ask if that was his intention. Most of the time he was just stating something and because he doesn't hear the differences in intonation he doesn't realize how what he is saying can be interpretated. It has saved our family so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

This is so helpful! I'm going to share it with my spouse. Since I discovered I was autistic at age 65, he has made important adjustments. He now realizes how hard travel is for me, and gives me a lot of support. He prefers early morning flights, but I can't sleep the night before if I have to wake up early. So now, we never depart before 10 am. In airports, he pays attention to announcements, so I don't have to use my limited spoons for that. All I need to do is follow him.

I really appreciate that you explained how both of you work together & referenced trying hard to make your coworkers feel comfortable, too. It can be hard to advocate for oneself on either side of the equation (the person who needs some accommodations as well as the person who needs to accommodate someone else). You clearly have a very supportive and loving relationship; it’s so important to see examples other than “here’s how I deal with my partner’s challenges.”

I am autistic, adhd(?/on waiting list for assessment) with ptsd. My husband has adhd, autistic traits and ptsd. We are a rock together but it took a lot of work to get there. And for many years I've been doing what you are doing for/with Chris for/with my husband and I just sat here and realized why I am so flipping tired... Because I have been for him what I need help with too. No regrets, I love him dearly and gladly did it but it's just the realization... I guess. Now, there's a nice challenge to fidget with (pun intented). But, that being said, I totally know we can conquer this too. Thanks for being so open, it's really helpful. Also, you have a lovely smile because it's not just your mouth but your whole face that engages in it. Lovely to see!

I've been on a sort of journey these past few years trying to understand why im so different, and it's come to my attention that I'm almost certainly on the spectrum. And a lot of this is incredibly relatable. I'm getting well into adulthood and I'm not very functional at all. It honestly makes me feel like I need a caregiver and not a partner, and that really gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach. But people really seem to love interacting with me so I'm hoping that'll work out somehow.

I'm single, totally, very rarely living in close quarters with anybody for extended periods, unless I'm visiting friends or family. Plus, I'm the autistic one, not the neurotypical person trying to figure out ways to live with an autistic person. All that said, I still get something out of this. It helps me to realize some things that others might innocently fail to understand about me, why I should be patient, and how I can help express clearly what is really going on.

My wife and son are diagnosed ADHD and in the process of learning about that I’ve discovered that I’m very likely autistic, and learning about that has been simultaneously very helpful and extremely overwhelming! This video is very helpful for perspective!

To be honest and speak from my heart with you. Heart fully my marriage had ended many years ago with my husband. I was unaware of autism beforehand or any mental health things except depression. I had endured much of what people would consider nowadays narcissistic abuse. When I learned about these things I think that my husband is a vulnerable narcissist but he also has some of the autistic traits as well. This however does not excuse the behaviors that he had shown and the horrific abusive behaviors that at the time of these events happening that I felt that I must of been deserving of because of somehow not being a very worthy person. I am still co existing along with my husband only because I have no friends nor family but I am now healing and working on myself and learning all I can about these things to better help our daughters. Our youngest daughter is 11 yrs old and exhibits many of the autism traits very much so I can learn how to adjust things differently for her now and help her where I am able to. Thank you for making your videos for everyone to get to learn from. I certainly appreciate this very much so. Thank you both. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😊🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

This is so balanced and compassionate. You are two wonderful humans!

It’s how you react to whatever happens. I think it is called emotional intelligence. I use to not understand what my high functioning autistic does, I may not accept, but I don’t react. It took me years to do this. Just trying to make him grow at 28. Baby steps.

Debbie, this was fantastic. You are worth your weight in gold. (So is Chris!)

The idea of noticing our own and other peoples' state, energy levels, etc seems very obvious to me as a good way to manage any relationship, but in particular I'm remembering when my children were small, how much of priority that was to me - as much as possible. My question is - Debby - do you feel that being more aware of your own and one another's energy levels and state of mind and being more open to adjustments and flexibility - do you feel those things help you personally? My assumption has always been that it helps everyone, whether in a family or workplace, but that may just be my wishful thinking and sort of ignoring that differences can not always be negotiated comfortable for all.

How cool. I literally searched for the channel 2 mins before showtime! 😮

TV; television itself, even before considering the content, is too stimulating for me, so I don't even have one in my home. When I moved from my parents' house to be out on my own I got no television. Had a TV briefly a couple times in 1980s then 1990s to watch Star Trek. Lived in my current location since 2008 and have never brought in a TV set. YT here is nice because I can be highly selective about what is watched & there are browser addons to deal with some things. That brings up that if it wasn't for GIF blockers and HTML autoplay blockers, and a couple other similar things which cut donw how much is happening on a web page. the internet would probably be unusable to me.

This is something that my wife and I struggle with, still. It has always been an issue and many of my needs have been annoying to her. We took our latest attempt at therapy together and I thought that I was prepared for it, but I about fell apart. I know that part of her expectation is to be validated going into therapy... she expects to be told that she is "correct" and I am "wrong". She will say this isn't true but the outcome that I experience aligns to that. She absolutely unloaded on me and just let it continue because I had been searching for a cross-neurotype counselor/therapist for some time and didn't come up with someone that I thought was as up to date with modern ASD considerations as I needed. So, we settled on using the therapist I have been working with for over a year and I wanted to just let my wife do her thing so she didn't feel like there was some existing bias that my therapist would have. My therapist never jumped in or anything until it was about the time to start wrapping things up and wanted to make sure we had some action items. My wife made a point of bringing up that I always take "the long way" to get to places and it drives her nuts; but my therapist did key in on my need to avoid traffic. Now, I have communicated that to my wife so many times, but it was like she finally believed it. I get so much anxiety in traffic and I also get anxiety from every variety of waiting (lines, traffic, traffic signals, call queues, downloads, weddings, restaurants, etc.). So, I tend to take more scenic routes that will have fewer stops, in total, but also will be unlikely to have a queue of cars at a stop sign. I also think I have gotten to the bottom of many of my issues... but still no "solution". I have long known of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and felt like it was a very apt description of what I experience with demands... it triggers a fight/flight response in my brain, but it varies based on how well regulated I am. I read the following late last week (https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/) and connected the dots to so many things. My sleeping issues, in part, seem to be related to PDA... beyond to my brain never shutting off; sometimes I can physically not get myself to get ready for bed and go lay down and this seems to be it. I also struggle with getting to places on time because I keep coming up with excuses as to why I can still make it, or things I must do beforehand; certainly, some of those things are to avoid bigger issues later, but part of it is the "demand" for being there. And it doesn't matter that many of the demands are created by ME, not someone else. I am really hoping that we can work through some of these things. Our daughter and grandson are also autistic and I think my grandson has a much stronger expression of PDA that even I do... but I don't remember all of the details of being 4-years-old. I did remember another thing that I was doing that was clearly autistic around that time earlier today... We were at some cookout that was for coworkers that my mom had. I remember being introduced to the people who's home we were at and the man told me he loved washing dishes after mowing the lawn because it really helped to clean out under his fingernails which totally grossed me out... although I am 99% sure he was joking because he was LHAO in reaction to my reaction. But for some reason completely unknown to me, we were leaving and I road with some complete stranger. He had a convertible and he CAR PHONE! In retrospect, he was a really patient person because I had this need to count to 100 by using the dial pad on the phone (I didn't make any calls and had no intention to). So, he let me get all the way to 100, which is a great stopping point and then said that I would need to stop. I have so many questions about a lot of that, but I can't talk to my mom about it... I haven't talked to her in 5 years and cannot bring myself to do it... and I don't deserve to deal with that struggle... many reasons.