Validating Pain in the Past

Remember people, this counts for ALL types of relationships, NOT JUST romantic ones!

"Anger means she still cares." You're so real for this line alone.

It amazes me how you can make me go from just fine to sobbing in a matter of seconds. If this was actually done or even attempted, I can’t even begin to imagine how that would have changed my life and situation. Thank you.

unfortunately it's too late for me...Guys, never leave your wife in emotional distress

"If we don't validate our partners pain in the past, they won't be able to feel safe in the present"- so true for all kind of relationship. Genuine care and trust come from acknowledging the hurt, the pain. A piece of soul still stuck to the past.

So on point that it almost brought me to tears. I would have loved for this to have happened. However, I continued to be met with accusations of being too sensitive, holding on to the past, making the bad things out to be more than they really were--or my favorite, I needed medication to move on. Now, after I told him I want a divorce, I see him trying to do better. However, it's like icing on a cake made of crumbs. It looks great on the surface, but once it's cut open it's a mess. There is so much hurt and pain that I am too resentful to trust him again.

Thank you for using your past to heal the present and future of others. This definitely is ministry.

Excellent!!! I'd amend one thing: When acknowledging her pain, instead of saying "the pain you've experienced," say "the pain I've caused you." (If the situation is from pain you've caused her.) It can be REALLY HARD to admit that and take responsibility, but NOT saying it during an apology or acknowledgement is continuing to avoid taking responsibility for it. It's a half apology (which is a non-apology in my book). "I'm sorry for how you feel" vs. "I'm sorry I've caused/led you to feel that way." Big difference. Of course, if the argument/situation at hand is not surrounding a pain caused by a partner/person, then I think the video's version still stands.

A man who understands! Nothing more attractive than a man knowing how to communicate and acknowledging his faults to work towards repairing the damage (this goes for women, too, of course-If you did him wrong, you repair it). It takes guts to pull all those things out from under the rug, but please do. If both are willing, it will be worth it!

THANK YOU for this! I need him to say it, but it’s often “I’m living in the past and throwing it in his face.” I want to believe the good, but I’m scared for it all to end. So… it’s hard to appreciate the good. Trying to live in the moment.

Yup, cause when she stops being angry, she's done

Love, love, love this. It's like when people do things to hurt you and apologize, they think that should be the end of it. However, the person is still hurting. An apology doesn’t take away the pain. Time and your pain being validated are key. ❤❤

This made me cry because it's the exact thing I needed to hear from him but never did

Jimmy, I which I saw this video six hours sooner. I was the "husband" in this video, I experienced what you described both internally and from my partner. I didn't even realize she was seeking validation, or how to do give it. I can only hope I get another chance to do better, and that I DO BETTER.

Me and my partner were having a discussion like this the other day. He really wants me to let go of the past, and i want to as well. But i told him i still have emotions that i cant get rid of and need him to participate in my process so that i can feel safe in knowing that some of those "old things" wont become a repeated pattern if the same problems were to come up again. I know that he cares, but i just want him to recognize, validate, and take accountability for the pain he caused at one point in time. Luckily there were not life-long choices that led to a split, but there was still some emotional damage from how he chose to handle that stress. And if those stressors were to come up again, i dont want to be hurt twice in the same way. The only way i can feel like he wont repeat this pain, is if he acknowledges how he was wrong and that its ok for me to feel the way i do, as i should. This was very helpful for me in moving forward, and it makes it easier to communicate with partner. I know he can understand the concept, but i dont always have the words or direction that it takes to heal.

I really love this channel, but I feel like I have to remind everyone that this is really the gold standard. Even the most Emotionally Intelligent person sometimes won't react this way. The hard thing about these types of discussions is that there are usually triggers and emotions on both sides simultaneously. It's extremrly hard and rare for 1 partner to just validate and understand even though they do see where the other person comes from. Just remember that a healthy relationship is also a resilient one.

My husband and I have been through a lot of tough stuff, the sort of stuff your videos address. After my husband woke up to what was happening (after lots and lots of outside help), it took a very long time for me to process my pain. As I began to feel safer with him, my pain began to come out. I know it was hard on him, listening to me talk about that pain. I didn't always do it in the healthiest way, either. And the topic came up over and over, for several years. (We had good times during that period, as well .) It took a while. But now, I'm pretty much through processing it all. We feel comfortable together, and now when we bring up the past, we each feel compassion toward the other, along with our regret at missing out on so much closeness for so many years. I am so very grateful to him for listening to me through all this. It has helped us redeem those bad years.

Everything you say is mind blowing for me. You can articulate what I’m feeling so well, and it’s helping me learn to communicate my feelings to my fiancé in a more effective way, and also recognize when I’m making mistakes and causing him to react poorly, and vice versa. Thank you so much!

I hate how there's so much villainizing of negative emotions. Thank you for pointing it out, and so well put!! 💙💙

This therapist is 100% right, men. Follow this if you want to love her better.