Complainers VS. Vulnerable Narcissists

Complaining is only part of it. They can't see any wrong in themselves but see only wrong in you. Staying away is the only option.

I used to be that chronic complainer! But there was one thing that got me out of that miserable complainer mode. I walked away from the narcissists in my family and in my career that were feeding my unhappiness. I took charge of my life, and that has made all the difference. I can't fix my family. I can't fix what they bring with them. I can only fix myself by walking away. Once I got away from them, I was able to regain my own control, my own agency. I was able to change the things that were making me miserable, and now I can honestly say that I like my life

In my experience, complainers will at least be receptive to some sort of solution whereas a narcissist will oppose ANY solution.

And then there's the martyr narcissist type who frames their complaints as gross exaggerations. Even though they barely lifted a finger for you, they'll tell everyone they saved your life.

The help-rejecting complainer types are the most exhausting of all. They don't want a solution. They just want an audience.

It's worth remembering that there are periods in people's lives when due to circumstances its almost impossible for a person to be happy. This shouldn't be confused with a personality disorder. Doing so could be unjustly harmful.

Sometimes, i think complainers just need someone to hear them out.. while a vulnerable narc demands that someone to solve the problem for them.

I had counseling today and I think I suggestive sold a book to my counselor. I talked about my history and all the wonderful things I learned from this channel. I also mentioned the healing community and the upcoming (or is it live now?) teaching community for counselors. He said that Dr. Ramani was mentioned several times by other clients. The word is getting out and people are getting the help that is needed. This entire community gives you a virtual hug for all the work that you do and who you are for the survivor and thriver of your own life’s experience.

"They aren't just the carrots, they are whole stew." So true. I had a serial complainer at work who was a vulnerable narcissist. At first I just thought it was complaining but then the complaining became jealousy about someone else's success and how everyone in the office weren't treated equally. And then the complaining took on another level where she would complain about the same person but secretly to each person in the office to slowly get everyone to turn against the person. Its crazy because she poisoned the whole work environment with her toxicity. And it wasn't just complaining, it was putting people down behind their backs, saying insensitive "jokes" to their faces, and constantly seeking validation and admiration from everyone. Finally after 3 years of wreaking havoc, she got fired and then the work place became so much better and way more productive.

Complainers don't misuse you just for their own needs... social interaction is more in balance

There is a danger in not complaining enough, one can end up on the wrong end of bad treatment because people see you as someone they can get away with seriously abusing. Then when something really serious happens to you, you will be viewed as a chronic complainer.

I wrestled with this question regarding a family member my entire life. This question was recently answered when I calmly explained how their abusive behavior hurts me… and the response was to re-write history, deny reality, and run away in terror. (explosive shame response)

Dr. Ramani Your book completely destroyed me and then rebuilt me all over again Thank you Your book was the compass of leaving a poisonous, toxic, destructive 13 yr old relationship You touched so many people’s hearts and healed so many people’s souls without even knowing they exist Again Thank you

They get mad if you hold them accountable as well.

Thanks for this video, I think this distinction helps a lot. Very often narcissists will actually smear people as “negative” when they’re pretty much the cause of the unhappiness! I’ve met a few pretty negative, maybe pessimistic people who were so decent and kind and empathetic. Partly they are frustrated that things can’t just be easier or that life is a pain sometimes. They can be a bit draining, but they didn’t display any narcissistic traits or behaviours.

Context plays a huge role too. I had a series of really traumatic things happen to me in the space of 1.5years where it was a domino effect of narcissistic friends that all turned abusive. I was completely traumatised and complaining and vending was the only way I knew to get the poison out of my system. I was terrified of driving people away and in fact it revealed some narcissistic friends in that their lack of capacity to be willing to support me going through abuse (they instead added to it). It took me quite a while to get over it. Yes I would have been labelled as a complainer, but sometimes thats what the person needs to do to process what they have been through too

I actually had this exact situation at work this week. I work with one girl who’s much younger than me, but she complains when she feels stressed out or tired, and it usually goes like “I have so much to do and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.” But when she feels better, she’s much more social and focused. This other guy, however, complains about everyone else at the job, but never says it’s his fault. He always tries to go “above and beyond”, but he always needs to tell other people how much they’re not doing as he gets it done. Everyone complains, but narcissists are still narcissists.

Brilliant. I'm sure I've thought chronic complainers were narcissistic. How they respond to calling them out is a brilliant way to see the difference. Thank you!

I think it is also worth considering the backstory of the one labeling the other as the complainer. There are people in our midst who stay on the shallow surface of life, because they prefer to avoid facing their own demons or pain. They project constant positivity, not because it is real, but because they can't face pain, and certainly dont want to be reminded of it from a "complainer." My ex inlaws always acted toward me as if I were a chronic complainer. I learned to say nothing in their presence that was the least bit sad or hard. Years later, the truth came out that there was hideous sexual abuse taking place within their walls, and they tried to project themselves as the perfectly faith filled family who handled all problems with a positive attitude. I believe it is prudent to understand a complainer, but it is equally prudent to understand those who act continuously positive. Both attitudes could be an exaggeration of their reality.

complaining is how my family communicates