Brené Brown: Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count
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Published 2013-12-04
There is nothing more frightening than the moment we expose our ideas to the world. Author and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown shows us how to deal with the critics and our own self-doubt by refusing to "armor up" and shut ourselves off. "Not caring what people think," she says, "is its own kind of hustle."
Instead we must "reserve a seat" for the critics and our own self-doubt. "Tell them, I see you, I hear you, but I'm going to do this anyway."
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2:14 "Design is a function of connection. Nothing is more then vulnerable then creativity. What is art if it is not love?"
3:11 Perspiration from fear
6:48 Theodore Roosevelt quote/passage that changed my life: "It's not the critic who counts..."
7:39 Everything i know about vulnerability: it is not about winning or losing, it's about showing up and being seen
7:53 "This is who I want to be I want to create. I want to make thing that didn't exist before touched them."
8:14 One guarantee: you will get you ass kicked
8:39 "If you're not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I'm no interested in your opinion"
9:41 This is where we sweat
10:17 Fear, self doubt, comparison, anxiety
11:06 When you armor up, you shut yourself off from everything that you do an love
11:40 Without vulnerability you cannot create
12:41 Know your critics are there, know what they're going to say
12:57 Shame, scarcity and comparison
15:20 "When we stop caring what people thing we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people thing we lose our capacity to be vulnerable."
16:38 If you're going to spend your life in the ring/showing up, you're going to need: 1) Clarity of values
17:18 2) Have person in your life thats going to pick you up
18:14 "People who have the most courage and vulnerability are the ones who are very clear about who the critics are and reserve seats for them."
19:32 One of these seats needs to be reserved for you
About Brené Brown
Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past twelve years studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. Her groundbreaking research has been featured on PBS, NPR, CNN, The Washington Post, and The New York Times.
Brené is the author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the way we Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (Gotham, 2012). In Daring Greatly Brené dispels the cultural myth that vulnerability is weakness and argues that it is, in truth, our most accurate measure of courage. Fast Company Magazine recently named Daring Greatly one of the best business books of 2012. Brené's 2010 TEDx Houston talk, The Power of Vulnerability, is one of the top ten most viewed TED talks on TED.com, with over 6 million viewers.
Brené is also the author of The Gifts of Imperfection (2010), I Thought It Was Just Me (2007), and Connections (2009). She lives in Houston with her husband, Steve, and their two children, Ellen and Charlie.
About 99U
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All Comments (21)
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Favorite quote: "if you're not also in the arena getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feed back"
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"When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable."
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Hi Brene :-) I will not critize a woman that helped save me from a 14 year crack addiction. My counsellor told me about me your book Gifts of Imperfection. I didnt know what to think at first. I gave it a shot.So glad I started to work through the book. It helped me to learn how to love and accept myself for my differences and sensitivities. It helped me not to take on so much shame and guilt that my critics (Including myself ) inflicted on me through my life. You helped show me that being vulnerabie and myself no matter what, Is most important thing I do on a day today basis. Loving myself and others enough not to do harm to them or myself is what helped change my life. I love you for what you have taught me. Let me be your best critic today in a good way. Ill never forget weeping the first time I actually watched your videos on line. I only knew you from the book. I couldnt understand why I started to just break. All of a sudden I realized that between you and my counsellor Heather you had been instrumental in saving my life. I am forever greatful to you and you are an absolutely amazing woman. I have passed on your book to a friend of mine and recomend it often. So glad that God made you just as you are. Yes very very afrad but yet so Brave. We are heroes when we do get in the ring and laugh, cry, hurt, feel, and just expirience evrything that is inside of us. I really believe in order to love we must get to our hearts and authentic selves and share that vulnerability with the world. Then they will see us and love us imperfections and all. If they don't at least we have ourselves and the knowingness that we are just who we are and that it's completely ok to be that way. Thank You for helping me to recognize this part of me and to live in that place of honesty, empathy, understanding and love. Your amazing Brene. You are just so helpful to me from miles and miles away. Biggest Hugg in the world for you.
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“I see you, I hear you, and I’m going to do this anyways” helps me a lot
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Brene Brown is one of the most important voices in American mental health today.
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i hope she reads these comments cause she NAILED IT.
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"Sometimes when you hear something - when you need to hear it - and you're ready ot hear it - something shifts inside of you..." 4.08 awesome...
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"If your not in the arena getting your assed kicked, i am not interested in your feed back." I love this!!!!!!!
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In a world of so much fake spirituality, Brene brings true enlightenment and growth. I appreciate her greatly.
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Everything you say is grain, there is no hay in it. I am Ethiopian American I have had struggles in my life. I passed it by using wisdom from women like you! bless your soul. I love you!
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I get chills every single time I hear this quote. Another must-see video from Brene. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt
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"If you're not in the arena, ALSO getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested your feedback..." Truer words couldn't have been spoken better...
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I already thought her TED talk was great, but this is amazing. If I only could have heard something like this 20 or 10 years ago. I was brought up to be tough, and I was constantly told I was not good enough. My parents had the best intentions; they wanted to armor me for this harsh word. Ironically, it made me so afraid of people and failure; I hardly came out of my shell and had massive trust issues. My shyness made me an easy victim for bullying, and this experience made everything worse: So my parents were right, and people ARE horrible. I was deeply ashamed of my weakness, but I had no idea how to be a strong person without being an asshole myself. I numbed myself so badly to function, that I was even unable to experience any romantic feelings. Just the slightest criticism of my creativity would drain my enthusiasm to the point of doing nothing for years. Finally, everything is starting to make sense for me.
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My sister who is a psychologist brought this video to my attention. I am in the "arena" because I couldn't go along with the norm and sacrifice my ethics, values, and courage. I didn't realize I was creating at the same time. I am still in the "arena" and will never regret being there no matter what the outcome. My counsellor describe it, if you are going to swim with the sharks, expect to get bitten. My scars with heal; but will never regret getting in the shark tank or arena as I would have never been true to myself.
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This resonated with me so much. I am a teacher and I know it's not traditionally seen as a 'creative' profession but I create every day - lessons, assignments, activities, relationships, experiences, opportunities. This talk made me realise why I have been experiencing huge anxiety for the last three months - the vulnerability of this job is excruciating. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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“Pay no attention to what the critics say; no statue has ever been erected to a critic.” -Jean Sibelius, Finnish composer
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“It’s scary and dangerous to be seen” is the accidental life motto I didn’t know I was carrying around with me all these years omg. My therapist told me about this woman and I’m so so glad I felt like doing my homework ☺️
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You're awesome! Personal attacks indeed expose the weaknesses of the attacker, not of the victim.
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AMEN!! If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I don't want your feedback. YES!!
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"Feel sorry for her kids"? Really? Focusing on her looks rather than her message? Seriously? People who say shit like that about someone this influential are afraid of what she has to say. She's speaking truth and they're defensively covering their ears and screaming "I WON'T HEAR THAT!" Brené, your work is phenomenal. The haters will hate. Don't bother with their comments.
