When your dreams die
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Published 2023-10-16
There are two types of grief: regular grief when you lose something you had, and ambiguous grief when you realize you'll never have something you always wanted.
Ambiguous grief is real and can be just as painful and I'm going to help you walk through that in this video.
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Here's what you'll find in this video:
00:00 Two Types of Grief: Regular and Ambiguous
There are two types of grief - regular grief, which occurs when you lose something you once had, and ambiguous grief, which is the realization that something you always thought you'd have will never come to be. Ambiguous grief can be as devastating as regular grief, and it often goes unrecognized by the world. It's like mourning the loss of an alternate version of yourself that will never exist.
04:02 Healing from Grief
Both regular and ambiguous grief can heal over time through a combination of time passing and the expression of grief. It's important to feel and express your emotions naturally. Grief doesn't follow a linear path and comes in waves, so it's crucial to allow these emotions to come and go. Avoid rushing the healing process and remember that it's okay to take emotional breaks when the grief fades temporarily.
08:15 Ceremonies and Closure
While traditional ceremonies like funerals help provide closure for regular grief, ambiguous grief often lacks such closure. To cope with ambiguous loss, consider creating your own form of ceremony or acknowledgment to signify the finality of your dream or expectation. Closure is essential to moving forward and preventing prolonged denial and limbo states.
12:15 Avoiding the Pitfalls of Comparison
Comparing your ambiguous grief to others' situations can lead to negative emotions and hinder your healing process. Avoid the impulse to compare, as it will only make you feel angry and hurt. Each person's experience is unique, and comparing yourself to others won't bring you closer to healing or closure. Fight back against the urge to compare your situation with others.
All Comments (21)
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Google served this video to me this morning and it hit me in my very soul. I spent 2 years in grief therapy with a LCSW and this never came up. The death of my dream hit me so hard that I immediately buried it and it wasn’t acknowledged in any way. It has devastated my life since then. I will hold a ceremony for it now. Thank you for this immensely important video. I feel that you are touching a great many lives with it. 🙏🏻☮️❤️
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Thank you for acknowledging this. I get so sick of hearing people say "it's never too late!" Enough of toxic positivity. Sometimes it really is too late, sometimes we have missed our window of opportunity and we just have to mourn that loss.
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I’ve known about this for a long time. Soren Kierkegaard once said ,”the most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have”.
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Pink Floyd lyrics I have long identified with: "The child has grown, the dream is gone; I have become comfortably numb."
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You are spot on! I get sick and tired of people say when one door closes,another one opens:that new door never opened for me
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As a person who had a spinal cord injury (shot in the back and paralyzed) and became a quadriplegic at 20 years old, I feel like I know a lot about ambiguous grief.
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Thank you. I am 58 and I don't know what I really grieving for. I just feel my life has passed me by.
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Omg this is what I needed!! I retired in September. Only because work was toxic and it hit hard!!! My retirement dream didn’t look like this!!! I’m alone!! Not the cottage by the lake, not the winters in the south. No. Alone. My son moved away at the same time for love. My only family was now gone! What a winter! Devastated! So needed to find you!! Thank you!!!
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So true. Depression is the loss of illusions.
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I am a 62-year-old woman, and when I stopped grieving the life, I thought I would have, and started living the life that I do have I realized how wonderful it really is!
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Came across this by accident, started listening, and with the words "...basically feels like you are grieving the loss of an alternate universe version of yourself that is never going to be allowed to exist... " my eyes started to tear up. Suddenly I feel like what I've been feeling has been identified.
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It feels like all of my dreams have died, some in an instant, others from a long, lingering demise. Social occasions are the worst, when friends and family gather to celebrate milestones and I have to put on a happy face while wishing I was somewhere--anywhere--else.
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There is liberation in abandoning 'hope' letting go of the illusion of what never was and surrendering to what your life is now as it is. 🙏
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I'm 50. I always dreamed of being a successful person when I came to this age: happily married, with kids and a good job I like to go to. I failed at everything. All my siblings have that, and I'm the only one in the family who derailed. And it hurts back every now and again. I suppose that being the failure of the family is a burden heavier than I thought. Thanks for your words. They're helpful.
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It's good to finally have a name for this anguish in my soul. I am a 63-year-old childless widow. Infertility is so very cruel. For all the years that my husband and I tried to have children, I emotionally went through a funeral every month when I learned that I was still not pregnant. Then I hit menopause about 10 years early, only worsening my heartache as I learned my dream of being a mother was gone forever. Only my own sweet mother seemed to understand my hurt, and now she's gone, too. Literally no one else understands the pain I feel as I face old age alone, with no children or grandchildren to love -- or to love me. Now maybe I can work on this ambiguous grief. Thank you.
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I've never had a love story. It may sound weird but that's how it is. I'm 40 and honestly this has been so helpful. I should just be grieving the young and beautiful love story I never had instead of chasing something impossible. And I'm so tired of people saying "It's never too late" or "It will come when you least expect it", I'm tired. I'm done. That's just it. And honestly, I should have my time of grieving and acceptance instead of this zombie-like situation. And just accept it. Thank you for this.
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I have accepted the fact that i am 66 with no partner, children, or grand-children. What friends and family don't understand is that a lot of your life over the years is lived through other people's lives. I am very happy for everyone's joys, but there are the down times when you realise what you don't have and it is highlighted a lot. This is reality.
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As a baby boomer and not in the best of health what I feel like I am grieving is the loss of a phrase - ‘and the best is yet to be’. That has kept me going so many times during my life but I know that now the best has already been. It cuts me to my core.
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I lost my only sibling, my brother to suicide in 2011. And then my best friend, my dad to cancer in 2014. I just lost my youngest son in 8/2023 who turned 23, just a few weeks before he passed. I didn’t grieve correctly with my dad. I was angry & in denial for over two years. Unhealthy! Losing my son is a pain like NO other. No parent should bury a child. I am letting myself grieve this time & it’s so very hard!!!! I have never cried so much in my life. I’m exhausted. I can’t think. I’m in a constant fog. I have ADHD & a TBI. Add grief to that & I am a mess. Losing my son is the hardest loss! Parents don’t prepare for it. It’s unthinkable. Unimaginable. My dream was having children & watching my children grow. I didn’t want a career. I wanted to be a mom! I don’t get to have that now. I will never see him get married. I won’t hold his babies in my arms. I won’t get to watch him grow old. I will never hear him call me mother, again. My dreams are crushed. My soul is shattered. When his heart stopped beating, I lost a part of my soul forever! The only thing that brings me hope is knowing that he’s in heaven. He is good. I am not okay. But maybe I will be one day. Life will never be the same. How do you overcome the loss of a sweet child? Each day is one day closer to holding him in my arms once again. But for now, I try to live my life here on earth with my children & my grandchild until He calls me home. I will see him again. And then I will be whole again. 💔😢💛🕊️
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Dr. Scott... I don't even know how to thank you for what you do. Today, is my 70th birthday and I'm grieving not having been the world famous author I dreamed of being. I wrote two books that went nowhere and now it's time to let go and to have that ceremony. I also suffer from severe freeze issues; I can't even function when I'm overwhelmed. I truly believe that you were sent to help people like me. I found you by accident, in a very low moment and I cannot express my gratitude for this gift. Please know the good you are doing for those like me; you are needed and appreciated. You tell it like it is and help us feel much better about so many things in us. Again thank you and many blessings.
