Why High Masking Autistics Are Always Exhausted

"Autistics have to spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how to present information." THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS. I need people to understand this. NEED.

I feel like I have conflicting triggers: staying home from social events can make me uncomfortable, but so can going.

My exhaustion triggers are: - Not exercising - Negative people - Being around people I'm not sure I can trust - Big social gatherings where I have to interact a lot - Being constantly interrupted when trying to to get something done. And having to create and go back into flow state to be able to complete the task. IT'S EXHAUSTING. - Lack of sleep - Having to follow neurotypical 9 to 5 type of schedules.

I once told a Shrink that just sitting there in a chair was extremely intense. Just being alive is intense.

I've tried to explain to people that "we're all fish - but I'm a fish that hates feeling wet". I LOOK like the other fish, but the ocean is a whole different kettle of fish for me.

I mask automatically, it feels like I have no control of it, and the only time I can be me is when no one is around.

I’m diagnosed autistic and I always feel weird watching these videos about people who have the same condition but they are well traveled, great lovers, and have good jobs and bustling social lives. Like why couldn’t I get the good kind of autism that makes me skilled at an in demand field like STEM instead of the bad type of autism that makes being a functional adult almost impossible

I notice the shift in people too, and I’m less inclined nowadays to think “ooh did I say something wrong?” But rather go straight to “Goddammit. Damn humans ain’t getting it again…” and then wracking my brain to find alternative ways of saying things. This suuuuuuuucks.

This is such a good video. It really sums up why even as a "level 1", it's a struggle. I don't even want the cure, I just want to be left the fuck alone when I need it... Which is often.

I'm 66 and yes, the world was better in some ways when phones were only in our homes. Rural life was quieter and I was able to be alone a lot. However there was no explanation for why I felt so uncomfortable in my skin...felt alien. No one knew why I was different...and bullied. The lack of access to so much information is one huge boon for autistics. But yeah, exhausting. I now take naps, live alone (ok, with 2 dogs) and I have time to think and process. Learning boundaries and when to say no was a huge help.

Years ago I decided that when people tell me I don't need sunglasses inside, I just say 'How the -fuck- would you know? Are you me? You obviously don't know what I'm going through, so I'll be the boss of where I wear my sunglasses. Have a day.' But tbf, no one's asked that in literal years. Ppl just don't care anymore. They too do whatever the duck they want. And neither do I. As long as I don't act like an ass, I don't care what people say about me or if they stare at me. What are they gonna do? Have an opinion that's not going to matter to me? It's not like they can get me fired or expelled for being autistic. 🙄

I don’t know what I would’ve done without horses, growing up. They meet you where you are, and you don’t have to mask with them. My time at the barn once a week was my therapy. It still is.

"but I never feel good!" yeah, exactly.

Yeah bathrooms are great places to hide, I worked at a very high stress job where everyone backstabbed each other… there was a bathroom that I would go in, turn off the light and either meltdown or calm down there. Only Accounting knew I went in there, and they refused to tell my boss or other marketing staff where I was if asked. Since there was a doorway at the end of accounting that led to a set of stairs.

A few things I do to try and survive this exhausting world: 1) Have a sensory deprivation reset on really hard days when i get home. This can be just laying down in my bedroom with the lights off and comforting blankets and sensory tools or even having a bath with only one soft salt lamp in darkness and quiet music. 2) Allowing myself to actually be me at home with my partner. This includes not emoting as much or policing myself to say/do the right thing and knowing he'll understand. 3) Take mini breaks throughout the workday. Allowing myself to mentally check out/let my mind wander for even just a minute every hour does wonders for my mental health. I feel like I'm cheating the nuerotypical world by secretly getting to be the real me in my head for a small amount of time every day. 4) Stimming (but secretly). While I can't twirl and bite my hair or bounce up and down like I used to as a kid, I can find other ways to secretly stim when I'm at work or in public. This includes rubbing and putting pressure on the palms of my hands under a table, scrunching and unscrunching my toes in my shoes, gently running my fingers through my hair and over my scalp, and playing with tools inside my pocket 5) Wearing clothes that are comfortable yet slightly more fashionable (and with no damn tags!) as well as layers to help deal with a room being too hot/too cold. 6) Trying to give myself grace when even when I do all these things life still gets too overwhelming and the nuerotypicals get upset with me. I have to remind myself that I'm doing this to survive mentally in a world with seemingly arbitrary social rules and unnecessary sensory overload. Not because I'm a bad person if things not go well. It's a world that wasn't built for me and while I'd appreciate more grace from others if i can't have that then I need to be more gracious to myself.

One thing that stands out in my mind is an event that happened nearly a decade ago. In September of 2014, I attended a meetup with my Facebook Crown Victoria group in Tempe AZ at a Dave & Busters. Most of the meet was conducted in the parking lot - this was never a problem for me as I could gravitate toward people at the meet who were there for the technical stuff ... we were going to have a group dinner inside the restaurant and this is where the 'fun' began. This was on a Saturday night, so the place was packed. I went inside, figuring I would eat and leave. Hah. First thing I noticed was all the noise, followed by the flashing lights (all the arcade games and things), followed by more noise and people bumping into me due to how busy it was. I sat down at our table, ordered a Coke. More noise, which by now was blending into a sort of blowtorch of noise, the lights were amplifying the noise and the noise was amplifying the lights, people still were bumping me even as I sat down. At this point, I couldn't even make out what the person sitting next to me was saying over the cacophony of noise and at that time I just shut down. I decided it was time to leave and so I just got my Coke, took two sips, paid for the Coke and went back into the lot, made it to my car and just 'crashed' for about 10 minutes. In total catatonia. Someone from the group came out and asked if I was okay because evidently it looked a little scary to some who witnessed it. At that point I didn't know I was autistic.

I don’t think I’ve recovered from high school. It was a sensory nightmare, and went against my delayed sleep phase disorder. Especially since I had band before normal school hours. I missed so much school because my stomach was hurting every day, I’d have panic attacks and meltdowns when getting up or even when about to enter the building and would beg my dad to let me go home. I feel like I was medically neglected. Because I looked normal otherwise and did well in school. Two teachers commented on my absences, and neither with any sort of compassion. One told me I would fail college because they wouldn’t tolerate me missing class EVER (lol, that guy was so so wrong), and the other just wanted to know how I kept my grades up. The trick was that I could do my class work in the safety of my own home instead of in class, where there was constant social interactions, fluorescent lights, limited bathroom breaks, and constant stomach pain. I was exhausted and probably stunted my growth. I also had an autoimmune disease and repeated untreated UTIs. No one ever said it to my face, but I’m certain adults thought I was lazy or stupid or looking for attention.

Tuesday, I was talking to a doctor about how noisy this world has gotten. In my very late life (I am old) I had a day of testing for autism. I don't know if I am but I have many traits. After over 5 hours of testing/talking, I went out for a dinner thinking it would be easier than cooking. I broke down crying in the restaurant. I cried for 90 minutes when I got home. Though the day was fairly quiet (I wore earplugs) I was over-stimulated and exhausted. (I calmed down by plunging my face in ice water for ten seconds, twice. It reset me).

I can wake up feeling SO READY to do the day. I’ll be motivated and feeling positive and capable… and then I LEAVE MY ROOM and feel like I’d rather be 💀 than ever leave my room again and POOF! Everything positive, hopeful, and energetic within me is gone and I spend the rest of my day trying to emotionally regulate back to a space in which I can make myself breakfast…at 3pm… ugh. I am literally the most bubbly yet chronically exhausted human I know. I have severe carpel tunnel in both hands/arms, psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, severe anxiety, adhd, and HS. That’s 3 autoimmune diseases, 2 mental illnesses, 2 chronic pain confitions, and I’m neurodivergent.. I dunno how tf I do anything. The truth is that I accomplish very little and I don’t enjoy any of it. Yeah… but you can’t see anything but the psoriasis so I just look like a red skinned, scaly, and withdrawn weirdo. Omfg whyyyyyy…. cheers to anyone else dealing with this kind of stuff on a daily basis that hasn’t given up completely yet! You’re a rockstar! Time crawl back into my hole where the outside world can’t throw me into an emotional downward spiral! Yeeee.

All mentioned here, except sleep issues, applies to me. Neurotypicals constantly 'read' my face & body language and they 'know' what I think and how I feel. And are always wrong. I mean, if you wanna know how I feel ask me, instead of 'knowing'. Had such problem with my dance teacher who 'knew' that I was 'worried' by reading my face, while I was just concentrating & enjoyed repeating my moves. And I don't even have a TV at home and when enter a space that has a TV on, like my wellnes centre lounge room, I make sure I turn it off right away. I go to my gym because it is one of rare gyms around that is silent, no stupid loud TV screens and irritating pop music.